Another year in review (2008)

Similar to last year, I was really nervous about the way 2009 would be rung in. My superstition, coupled with a few times where the year came in on the wrong note, left me wondering if I’d have any hope for 2009.

As New Years approached, I began reconsidering the superstition that has controlled my actions for the past many years. I began to consider that perhaps it has nothing to do with the physical things like if your house is clean, or if you are physically with those whom you love when the year changes. Maybe it has to do more with the frame of mind you are in, such as having a hopeful outlook, trusting those you love, and believing in love that leads to good in the coming year. At least that is my hope.

With another year behind me, I reflect upon the past year, noting a few of the highlights, and realizing that the year, although difficult at times, did end up becoming a year of change for the better as I had originally hoped.

Take a look…

January

Right off the bat, 2008 began with my decision to stop waiting for my life to change and begin creating the change for myself. It started with God. As the month wore on, injury gave me a graceful exit from the Napa Marathon. Later in the month I thought I was having a heart attack. I wasn’t. I developed a new perspective on my deceased husband’s writings, generated some strength, and learned a new way to say I love you.

February

I began transitioning from grief support groups to individualized counsel via a psychologist. I fessed up to my imperfections, and began calling out for help — but got little in return. I finally admit defeat and practiced more tough love. I tried to analyze what went wrong with BoBo, survived the 1 year post death mark, rewarded myself with an iPhone, and began dealing with BoBo’s separation anxiety (from his friends).

March

The family enjoyed a special day together and, the following day, I told BoBo that I was sending him away to live with his Aunt and Uncle in Hawaii. The week that followed was long and painful. I finally felt able to fight my way back (running wise as well as emotionally) once BoBo was safely out of state. The change of seasons marked the 1 year anniversary of my husband’s death.

April

The disconnection between BoBo and I became even more real after he lost his cell phone. I find new hope while at church, although I continue to miss my deceased husband. I discovered that one of BoBo’s friends had a near-death experience shortly after I sent BoBo away. I tried to find balance in my new life. Then I joined Team in Training (TNT).

May

I decided to send YaYa to private school. I grew tired of the support group activities until we were given a writing exercise. Signs of weight gain became obvious. We drove south and met up with BoBo, taking in Disneyland and family during his first visit home since I sent him away.

June

By the time I hit my first official run with TNT, I’d nearly raised the required fundraising amount. I had some preconceived ideas of TNT which I wanted to prove wrong, but I was gravely critical of the 1st TNT track workout and then became critical of myself. Just after the 2nd TNT track workout, but before I had a chance to write up my experience, the TNT coach discovered my blog and I learned a simple lesson in blogging. As the month progressed, I became acutely aware that people were wrong about the grief getting better after the passing of the first year.

July

Once again, Lil Sis included YaYa and me in on her family’s activities. She continues to be a huge support for me. I feel a part of something when I am with her, but try as I might I continued to feel alone in the crowd during the TNT activities. That was until I met Wendy. Let me not forget the 5 hour get-together with bloggers Brit, Mia and Scott.

August

BoBo’s 2nd visit home was better than the first; it was hard, but necessary, to send him back. Although insistent that I was not ready to enter into another relationship (even after 18 months since Tom’s passing), I became acutely aware of my longing to be loved.

September

I reconnected with a childhood friend on FB who described how her mother quit living after her dad died and assured her that I was indeed living my life, although painful at times. Pop Warner football is not the “fun-to-fun” level of competition; I got a sampling of the competition while working the Chain Gang at YaYa’s football game. After creating a dialogue with my body, I discovered that my refusal to acknowledge the need for companionship was causing my health issues. I opened my heart to the possibility of new love and changed my status from widowed to single. I let my imagination run wild, enjoyed the fantasy a bit, and then called 21st Century Mom for a virtual slap.

October

I struggled with reality not matching my fantasy turned to expectation. Then, I began fussing over my appearance. I finally realized that the fantasy was more exciting than real life and wrote off Mr. F as “the man whose innocent flirting started the spark in me.” Not long after, I got asked out by Joe FB, then Bible Bob, and finally Jim TM.  I turned all of them down.  Although I was flattered, there was just no interest what so ever on my part. My therapist urged me to take risks in order to find new love. Disguised with the term date/non-date, I went out with a “friend” (1st referred to as BFF, then Crush, and finally eL) and had a fabulous time.  In running news, I fought to get my life back on track by running another marathon.  My tendency toward talking to strangers came in handy.

November

YaYa’s team won the Mitey Mite Bowl. I began training for the Napa Valley Marathon (March 2009) and enjoyed a yes, I can confidence after examining my splits from my track workout. I wore nothing more than a swimsuit for my 2nd date with eL; the feelings began to grow from here on out. Before long, I was hooked. The attachment was confusing and scary for both of us. We tried to slow things down. Running wise, however, slowing down was last on my list of goals.

December

With December came the holidays, more uncertainty, and emotional turmoil on the love front. eL pushed back even more and I tried to hold on to the hope while guarding my heart. Family wise, BoBo returned home for the holidays (his 3rd visit). We had a great Christmas together, I celebrated my birthday and before I knew it,  2008 was ending.  With another year behind me, I hold new hope for the coming year.