It’s been about 6 weeks since I began training with TNT. Since the beginning, I’ve frequently been hit with the “how do you like it?” question. Each time, I find myself a little uneasy. I am uneasy with my feelings still or rather, I am uneasy with the reaction that I expect to receive in response to the feelings that I have had.
I suppose my uneasiness is because I think that people want to hear that I love TNT, and that I have made loads of new friends. Although I do enjoy it, I do not feel like I have made many “friends”. I have met some really nice people – people that I would love to one day call my friends. If only I could remember their names better. I’m great with faces and details about people, but I really suffer in the name department. This is nothing new for me; people tell me their name and by the time they walk away, I have already forgotten it. I discovered last Tuesday that the girl that I’ve been calling Amy is actually Tracy. Eek! If I could just let the names sink in, perhaps the relationships would evolve from the acquaintance stage to something more, but it is hard to get to get to know people when you are out of breath from a hard workout.
So YaYa and I stayed after Tuesday’s workout for another one of the Hang with the gang (HWTG) dinners. We had a great time and it was nice to have YaYa with me for part of the night (instead of on the bench with his DS). They had a drawing and I banked another seemingly meaningless fact about my teammates. Fact: There are 3 participants named Wendy.
Since I still feel alone in a crowd when I arrive to training events, I was hoping that staying for the HWTG dinner would help to change this. What is most troubling about my inability to connect, is that I remember being different; I remember thriving for this exact environment. Now, I watch the people that are most like the girl that I used to be; they are the ones whom I hope to befriend.
At times, I try to be the old Julie, but it feels foreign and fake. I do not want to make new friends based on who I was. The problem is that I don’t yet know who I have become. More aptly put, I don’t think that she has arrived yet. The emptiness from Tom’s death is still so strong, and it overshadows any moment of joy with a little bit of numbness. A loss, as great as the death of a spouse, leaves a cavernous void behind. Try as I might, I cannot seem to fill this void.
The funny thing is, I don’t think that I appear to others in the same way as I feel on the inside. I mean to say that I must not have a “don’t talk to me” wall up. This is reassuring. Last night, I began talking to a man at the pool as I stood at the wall trying to relieve my eyes from the trauma of too much chlorine and forgotten goggles. Being the HOT day that it was, the pool was filled and the weather was a topic frequently discussed. In the short time that we were talking, I mentioned that I’d been running at a group track workout the day before and, coincidently his wife had done the same. “Team in Training?” he asked. Well, it turns out that his wife is one of the Wendy’s on the team. Who knew? Now, while this conversation was going on, YaYa was chatting it up with his son, and this morning YaYa announced that he hopes to see his new “friend” at the pool again and at the next track workout. Just like that, my son has a new friend. I am happy that he is seemingly okay in this arena.
Just as I am evolving, my running has been changing too. Although I look forward to my runs, in general running does not seem to provide the same outlet that it used to. It’s a trade off from letting go of the “need” to run (a change which my life insisted that I make). Being able to enjoy my weekly solo run has helped me to better enjoy the TNT group runs. There is so much meditation that is done during those lonely miles. I believe that this is where I will find the new me…in due time. For now, I will run with my virtual “buddy” until the point in time that I find the buddy in myself which I am searching for.
As for my potential TNT buddies, there is still a lot of time to learn their names and connect. During the coming weeks, YaYa and BoBo will both be away at the same time. This will leave me plenty of time to be alone with myself (and the dogs). Not only will I be able to join the gang for a few of the organized buddy runs, but I might even hook up with Wendy for a local run. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy a few of the post-track HWTG dinners and get to know a few of my teammates a little better.
I am still searching for something more of who I am – my identity if you will. I am not sure just how long it will be until I finally feel that I have arrived. Until then, I will simply be acknowledge how far I have come on this journey and try to be present for the adventure ahead.
Just go with it Juls. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. When you need closer relationships, you know what you’ll need to do. I think you’ll find most peeps will accept you for who you are, even if you are changing and growing…
Julie,
I’ve been thinking about something sorta similar for a couple weeks now. I’ve known my husband for 34 years now, and we’ve been married almost 29. I’ve been thinking about what that means, and how different our lives would be had we not met. I think about how intertwined we are, and the history we share, and what it would be like if he was gone. Maybe I’ve been thinking about it because of all the solo wilderness runs he’s been doing in training for his big one this summer, or maybe because the race is in such a remote area, or maybe just because it’s the way my thoughts have gone. I’ve lived with him much longer than I lived with my family, and think about how much our family forms us. I know it’s kind of tangential to what you were writing about, but at the same time, my sense of self is wrapped with my life with him, which is what gives me an inkling of why you are finding a new sense of who you are evolving.
I have this image of the ‘new you’ simply being born one day. Not because you have turned over the right rock and found her, not because you write the very thing that shows you the way, but because you are ready. She’s there but her space hasn’t been cleared yet.
As you noted – all in good time. Stay open (as you are) and keep putting one foot in front of the other (as you are) and having faith (as I think you do). She’s very near by and when you are ready for her it will happen.
Dear Sis,
It will most likely continue to be hard until you actually run with/next to a friend that you can spend some miles with and actually talk….and only if it seems the person is empathetic and one you feel comfortable with over time to let her/him know your background and what your life has been. You are in a very unique spot that I would expect most people would not have any idea what you are going through (I can’t even imagine) but it can help if you found someone in the flesh you can confide in like you do on your blog….that you can run and spend time with on a regular basis. Hopefully that will be a gift you eventually get before the Nike run. I admire you for going out there and trying it all! Keep trying (in finding someone that will care about you (and you care about them-I am not talking about a boyfriend just in case you think I mean that…a friend). I am not sure you care to share your situation with the group…but it might help for others to understand you and what you are going through, besides trying to run faster.
One thing that I have noticed in developing friendships at our age in life..not just stage but you know past the college years *wink* is that a bonding moment will help strengthen the depth of the friendship. So what I mean is that while you will spend time in training getting to know these people it’s after you persevere through your marathon that I suspect the depth of friendship will be there. Does that make sense?
As with running, go at your own pace. ;)
When I first started running with my group in Minneapolis, I didn’t click with them. It wasn’t until the second season that I developed good friendships. Since I’ve moved back to California, I’ve been involved in running groups and cycling groups, trying to make friends. I figure I’d be more likely to find like-minded women there. It takes time. I love how YaYa accepts new friends so quickly. :-)
I should point out that it isn’t as though I have made NO friends. There are a couple that I have connected to. It’s just the feeling that I cannot shake.