Around this time of year would be when I might write a Year-in-Review post. Twenty-twenty is not one of those years that needs summing up. If I am remembering correctly, I had every intention of repeating my Daily Photo Project of 2010. It didn’t happen. I envisioned that I might “put myself out there” again. Following 11 months of healing, from eleven years of dating the same gentleman who I thought I would one day marry, I thought that I might be able to risk opening my heart up to another. That also did not happen. What did happen, (since I am going down this path) is that he-who-swore-he-would-NEVER-remarry again is engaged. My ability to trust a man with my heart is once more shot to hell in a handbasket. I could claim hindsight. I could stay mad. [Read more…]
Boot, Scoot, Boogie
While I sit at home, working and watching Kobe grow into his feet, I entertain thoughts of him accompanying me on long hikes and eventually backpacking excursions. As I do, I think about getting him accustomed to hauling his own water or other items. In my free time, I research packs and doggie boots to protect his delicate puppy paws. I think it’s funny what motivates us/me in these days of COVID. Don’t you?
Upon acquiring some second hand Ruffwear Boots, I eagerly put them on him. Not surprisingly, Kobe is eager to free his paws from the boots I’ve just put on him. Repeatedly, he frees his paws, only to have me put the boots back on him. With the boots now on all 4 paws, I run circles around the house, playfully encouraging him to chase me. We make a few circles through the living room, down the hallway, into the dining room, and back into the living room. I decide to change it up and quickly make a turn into the family room. As I do, he follows me, boots flapping along as he tries to figure out how to maneuver with them. Then, it happens…
Okay with not being okay
I took this picture as the sun made it descent for the day. Treasuring the moment and the strangely red sun while enjoying a hike with YaYa, Simba, and our new pup (Kobe). The day before my son would return to working full time would mark the end of his sheltering the storm with me (as we have been doing since the middle of March). Little did I know, this would also be the last time I would see the sun for a while (hopefully).
Mornings have been rather tough lately, with the darkness lingering longer than in the peak of Summer. As you know, my emotions tend to be interconnected with the sunlight. It is why I love living in California. Lately, however, our lovely state has caught fire throughout the land. Many have lost their homes or have been evacuated and living with the fear that they will never be able to return. For me, I am blessed that I am able to remain in my home. Yet, the fear in the air is palpable. I breathe it in all day long and am getting worn down from my emotions taking yet another hit.
I look around and I take note:
– I am safe
– My family is safe
– Our home is safe
– We all have jobs
– We are all healthy
– I am blessed
I am not alone in feeling this emotional uncertainty. I know this. Perhaps you are feeling it too. As I remind myself to refrain from making a list of negatives, I give myself permission not to beat myself up for not staying positive. I invite you to do the same. And if you are lucky enough to have someone nearby who can give you a hug, enjoy the embrace. Even that is a blessing. This, I know.
Unhinged
The year mark of becoming single again hit around the time we began sheltering in our homes. This was about the time I figured I might be ready to stick my baby toe in the water to test out dating. But I honestly wondered if, in fact, I was ready. Seeing posts of Him and Her on the very vacations that He and I had been planning (once he could take some time off), the wine and dine moments, and all the rest of PDA posts flooding my social media still stung. I had to ask myself “Was I was really ready?” OR “Was I still too hung up on how badly I got hurt to keep the pain from dampening any chance of being open to creating love anew?”
Five months later, I wonder if I am any more ready. As I read up on the vast array of dating apps, I become more scared of getting hurt. Yet, friends of mine are making it work — finding new love and happiness. And it looks nice. Really nice. So I ask them for input and am told that their magic app was called Hinge.
I download, complete my profile, and hit submit. A minute or two later, I have a comment on a photo. Ugh! It’s the photo of me with hair down… and I feel compelled to fess up that my hair is almost never down. The guy on the other end sends messages that sound a bit too overdone, “Oh, I’m in love,” “I can’t think of anything else to say but propose” and I think “WTF?!” Oh yeah,… He wants to meet. Yet, as I scan the conversation, I note that he hasn’t asked anything about me. Maybe I am a prude but there were other parts of the conversation that caused concern. I sat with it for hours…
In the meantime, I continued to view the other eligible men on the site. It seems that the app doesn’t have any sort of algorithm for “matching”; it’s all up to the user. This judging a person by their photos and a few words was much like judging a book by it’s cover (WRONG). Yet, there I was looking, judging, and clicking the “X”. As I scanned through the photos, I wondered if any of these men really wanted a relationship. Many of the photos were blurry or ones you would send to your bro with some sort of funny joke. I waited a few more hours.
Then, <24h after installing, I deleted the app. I’m “unhinged” and STILL single. And that is fine.
Giant Wishes
It’s probably a whole different plant all together but this fluffy ball makes me thing of the dandelion weed. When I was a young girl, I would always pick the dandelions, make a wish, and blow on it to send it out into the universe with hopes of it magically manifesting.
If only it were that simple.
Right?
I had high hopes for making some significant changes on a personal level this year. One of the biggest was to overcome my overwhelming fear that something horrible was going to happen to one of my sons – pretty much whenever they were out of my sight.
Recognizing that this fear was beyond normal (holding me back and, in many ways, stealing my joy), I signed up for a LIVE Tony Robbins “Unleash the Power Within” (UPW) event. It wasn’t the only reason, but I was likely the biggest. Next in line was my loss of trust in men and bing open to another relationship (or even being open to having coffee). Well, that event got canceled due to the untimely arrival of the coronavirus pandemic. Within the 3 months of sheltering, I watched the news way more times than previously. I have always hated watching all of the negativity in the news and, as a result, was not all that well-informed.
NOW, I am watching… and seeing all the horrific, unspeakable ongoings in our world. It’s not just the news. I am making an active effort to get better informed – especially in the area of inequality and racism. Although it took me a while open my mind to terms like “white supremacy”, “white privilege”, and even “racism”, it is apparent that there are many mothers in this world who live their lives fearing that their sons and daughters will suffer horrible outcomes just because of the color of their skin. These women, unlike me, actually have reason to live with this fear. And signing up to see Tony Robbins, isn’t going to make any difference for them.
Hello! [Read more…]