Around this time of year would be when I might write a Year-in-Review post. Twenty-twenty is not one of those years that needs summing up. If I am remembering correctly, I had every intention of repeating my Daily Photo Project of 2010. It didn’t happen. I envisioned that I might “put myself out there” again. Following 11 months of healing, from eleven years of dating the same gentleman who I thought I would one day marry, I thought that I might be able to risk opening my heart up to another. That also did not happen. What did happen, (since I am going down this path) is that he-who-swore-he-would-NEVER-remarry again is engaged. My ability to trust a man with my heart is once more shot to hell in a handbasket. I could claim hindsight. I could stay mad. [Read more…]
The meaning of racism has been redefined. My previous thinking that required horrible acts to be associated with beliefs was “racism” and that prejudice was something lessor harmful. In today’s world, my ignorance is far from blissful. I am learning just how harmful this way of thinking can be. Additionally, I am learning how to voice opinion with the intention of educating others. It’s a challenge for me. I used to simply “unfriend” these people who’s way of thinking was in deep conflict with my own but never voice any opinion in opposition.
I hate conflict.
My tendency to remain silent was challenged when someone in my own family (albeit extended family) posted a racist meme on her FB wall. I have met her once at a family reunion; she is married to my cousin and, according to her FB profile, is catholic. So, I was blown away when I saw a post stating “If black lives really mattered,,,” [as if that was in question], “They’d stop shooting each other.” At the bottom of the image was some unfounded fact indicating that 94% of all blacks shot was by blacks. REALLY?! I might ask where this statistic came from because I find it hard to believe. And yet, my real issue is with the word “IF.” I couldn’t imagine how she could even entertain the idea that anyone’s life didn’t matter. What kind of catholic church did she go to? Certainly not any that I ever attended!
I didn’t unfriend her. But I did add my own comment to her post. It’s been about 12 hours and neither she nor her cohort of “friends” have replied. But I am certain that she, her husband (my cousin), and many of our relatives in comment have seen it. And I hope that further discussions are occurring offline in this regard.
What has your experience been? Please share.
I’ve been fine for most of the day but, now that the darkness has come, the sadness weighs on my heart. Today is my would-be-28-year wedding anniversary. Yet, Tom has been gone for nearly 13 years so surely folks think that I should be over it by now. What’s more, I was dating someone else for 10 of those years. It just feels like nobody will understand…so I keep it to myself as much as I can.
To be frank, I want a glass of wine and good cry. I thought I’d be remarried by now. Happily. Instead, I am heartbroken once again and afraid to trust another with my heart again. A couple of weeks ago, Big Sis said that she was mad at me for not breaking up with him once it was clear that he wasn’t ever going to marry me. I was hurt and felt the urge to lash out at her. But, honestly, I am mad at me too.
I could sleep the night away. But I know that when tomorrow comes, the reliving of those final months before he died will continue to haunt me with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday as key markers of points along the way that trigger me. If this annual torture isn’t enough, I now have to wrestle with my own mind, self judgement, and another layer of heartbreak. As I remind myself that although I am 10 years older, I am far from the “Old Maid” image in which I used to see when I looked in the mirror after the breakup. Some day, there will be another love in my life; I just hope that he doesn’t add another layer to this patter of heartbreak upon heartbreak.
When 21CM posted about Bullet Journaling (BUJO), I started my efforts to test out the system as a way of bringing together the somewhat fragmented system that technology has divided into various apps and whatnot. I jumped in with both feet so-to-speak and quickly learned that I am just not into tracking everything that the BUJO community seems to be tracking. On top of appointments and to-do lists, there are gratitude logs, habit trackers, bill & budget tracking, mood tracking, food logs, meal planning, shopping lists, and a whole lot of other stuff which I have yet to discover.
Mostly, my bujo has my meeting & appointments, daily task lists, weekly to-do lists & goals, and a health & fitness calendar. I have a monthly spread for the important events, and a couple of pages for the extended year to plan ahead and highlight key events which I might want to see at a quick glance. The index pages, although this tends to be an important aspect of the bujo system, have not been a part of mine. However, colorful creative spreads, quotes, and drawings are. Because “pretty” really does seem to matter to me.
If it isn’t appealing to my eyes, I don’t want to look at it. Therefore, I don’t refer to it as often as I’d like. And the quotes are just inspiration/encouragement which I select based on what’s going on for me when I am creating the page/theme.
I am still finding my way but I think I am finding my BUJO Mojo.
I am enjoying how bullet journaling helps to pull my Outlook tasks list, iPhone reminders, work notebook to-do lists, meeting calendar, personal appointments, yoga practice journal, weekly/daily goals, meal plans, food logs, spending logs, and inspiration (etc.) all into one place. Finding creative ways to pretty up my pages is a bonus — and it’s kind of a de-stressor as well.
This time of year is generally known as one of higher levels of stress. Personally, I think it’s ironic because our social media is filled with gift-wrapped gratitude and snow-covered family portraits. Yet we all know that these cold, dark, and rainy days are filled with traffic jams, a never-ending need to empty and re-emptying the rain gutters (if we are lucky – I suppose), and some creative financing in order to fill the hearts of our loved ones with gifts under the tree. Furthermore, being the recipient of über generous tokens of appreciation only serve to further the stress-load when they cannot be reciprocated with equally bighearted gifts. It shouldn’t be this way, but it is.
I find that I am better off if I can find some moments of amusement and playfulness. Take this morning for example…
It’s another Wake-Up-Way-Too-Early-Wednesday. But no worries; I have prepared ahead by pre-loading the espresso machine with caffeine dose #1, laid out my yoga attire, and packed my work clothes before going to bed. However, after only two sips of my coffee, my body opted to reject my morning offering (I threw it up into the kitchen sink). After driving my son to work, I returned to bed in an attempt to make my body happy. Miraculously, I was able to provide it short segments of deep and REM sleep amid the sounds of the early risers in the neighborhood. A few hours later, and after a sweet yoga practice, I went to dress only to find a key undergarment was missing. I pondered my options for a few minutes, then choose one of them.
And while walking to my car, I contemplated sending out a tweet asking the following question:
When you discover you have forgotten your underwear, do you go commando OR put your sweaty panties back on and head to work?”
A few minutes later, I went back inside the yoga studio to retrieve my forgotten mat.