I ran across this photo of young YaYa and me from many years ago. Those were tough times — yet somehow we found reasons to smile. At least that’s how I remember it.
It seems that there are scientific reasons that support “putting on a happy face” even when you aren’t feeling it. Smiling can calm the nervous system, lower your blood pressure, and boosts your immune system. Furthermore, it’s contagious.
So smile and watch as the whole world smiles with you.
I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before giving up on the hope that I would be blessed with more sleep. It wasn’t even 5 am yet. It’s been this way for several days now. The rain falls on my rooftop while thoughts flood my mind and tears fill my eyes. I make some coffee, respond to the important work emails, and confirm that today is a “moon day” [there is a new moon in the skies, therefore the ashtanga yoga will be cancelled today]. All the more reason to return to sleep. *sigh*
A short while later, I power up my iPad to watch Friends on Netflix. Comedic relief surely would be the answer. But this morning, as I watch Phoebe’s wedding, I think of the reason for the slow demise of my sweet relationship with theMAN I have loved so much for the past 10 years. I laugh, then cry as I watch the show.
We knew at the beginning of this relationship that it might end this way; I was set on marriage while his belief in marriage had been destroyed. Even so, I didn’t want to miss out on seeing where the relationship would go. There were times, when I was sure he’d change his mind seeing how much I loved him, and he loved me. But when he firmly announced that he would NEVER remarry, my heart was crushed. As the years followed, my need for acceptance seemed to be erecting a wall of protection between us as I tried to find independence once again. I could not allow myself to “need” him anymore. At the same time as I was rebuilding my identity, he seemed to be going through changes of his own. His teaching picked up, which left him spent and short on patience by the time we were able to spend time together.
Long story — short: we finally acknowledged the fact that we have become “friends” more than lovers. So that’s now what we are calling ourselves.
In past years, I would be struggling to wake up on the darker mornings of this season. For some reason, I am still able to wake up early in the absence of sunlight. On these quiet mornings, before anyone else is awake, I often just lie there enjoying the quiet moments where nobody is asking anything of me. The bulk of the remainder of everyday seems to be tuned in to “GO mode”. I need these quiet, slow moments too.
Although the melancholy of these seasons has already begun to resurface, I am able to use this quiet to simply acknowledge the feelings that are underneath the fallen leaves and dark sky.
This is my time. I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I am in no hurry to get on with the day. For I know that, before long, there will be someone on my tail pushing me go faster, or in my face with a list of things they need from me.
Until then…
Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday that I had 6 months to get Spartan fit. Today, I look at the calendar to find my race 3 months away. Technically, race day is < 3 months away! And me… well I’m no where near ready for a race that involves 8-10 miles of running and 25+ obstacles there to test my strength and agility.
It’s time to get serious!
Not only do I need to build more strength, I also need to get down and dirty, squat, crawl, jump, carry weight, pull weighted objects, and muscle my way into my version of race-ready. Whatever that means.
It is certain that the road ahead will be interesting. Most definitely, it will be an uphill battle complete with many struggles mental and physical.
As scary as this seems (to me), there is a part of me that is also a little excited about it. It’s been a long time since I have been driven like this. Seven and a half years to be exact. Yes, I am excited. I am still scared as well.
Fortunately, there will be little moments, or creatures, along the way that offer me reason to smile. Hopefully, these moments will be more frequent than the moments that make me want to cry from frustration.
My goal is not to complete a stellar race. I have only the goal of completing the race relatively unscathed. My goal is HUGE, but I think it can do it.
Over the next 3 months, I need to change the “think” in I think I can to “know”. I hope that you all will cheer me along, [virtually] from where ever you are. I need all the support I can get.
This time of year can be especially difficult for those who have experienced the death of some significant to them. Years ago, I was faced with a number of other peoples expectation that I would be “over it” after a year or two. I was grateful to have gone through grief support group and individual counseling. I learned that it is normal to continue feeling the loss throughout life. In regards to my children, I learned that they would go through a profound experience of the loss at each developmental stage of development. The best way for me to help them was to create/modify our holiday traditions while honoring their father.
The reality is that we don’t forget, move on, and have closure, but rather we honor, we remember, and incorporate our deceased loved ones into our lives in a new way.” Harriet Schiff, author of The Bereaved Parent.
If you know someone who has suffered a significant loss, give them the space to honor, remember, and incorporate. There are quite a few resources online for creating new holiday traditions after death. I am happy to share my experience if needed. Simply ask for help using the comments (your email address will go to me only).