I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before giving up on the hope that I would be blessed with more sleep. It wasn’t even 5 am yet. It’s been this way for several days now. The rain falls on my rooftop while thoughts flood my mind and tears fill my eyes. I make some coffee, respond to the important work emails, and confirm that today is a “moon day” [there is a new moon in the skies, therefore the ashtanga yoga will be cancelled today]. All the more reason to return to sleep. *sigh*
A short while later, I power up my iPad to watch Friends on Netflix. Comedic relief surely would be the answer. But this morning, as I watch Phoebe’s wedding, I think of the reason for the slow demise of my sweet relationship with theMAN I have loved so much for the past 10 years. I laugh, then cry as I watch the show.
We knew at the beginning of this relationship that it might end this way; I was set on marriage while his belief in marriage had been destroyed. Even so, I didn’t want to miss out on seeing where the relationship would go. There were times, when I was sure he’d change his mind seeing how much I loved him, and he loved me. But when he firmly announced that he would NEVER remarry, my heart was crushed. As the years followed, my need for acceptance seemed to be erecting a wall of protection between us as I tried to find independence once again. I could not allow myself to “need” him anymore. At the same time as I was rebuilding my identity, he seemed to be going through changes of his own. His teaching picked up, which left him spent and short on patience by the time we were able to spend time together.
Long story — short: we finally acknowledged the fact that we have become “friends” more than lovers. So that’s now what we are calling ourselves.
The thing is, that over the past few days, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend too. As life unfolds (good and bad), I now feel unable to reach out to the one person I would have called or text messaged to share. It just doesn’t feel right to constantly be in his face while he processes the change in our “ship” status (from relationship to friendship). I feel that I owe him that much.
I watch the make-believe wedding on my little screen and think about how many other times I watched this and other wedding scenes while trying to convince myself that I didn’t need my own wedding. Obviously, I never could quite convince myself. But now, I wonder if the cost will be me spending my late years all alone because of my stubbornness.
And what will become of theMAN and me, after the tears dry up? Will our ships sail off in different directions, or will they move along side by side?
‘But now, I wonder if the cost will be me spending my late years all alone because of my stubbornness.’… in my thoughts as well. In other words, having the same thoughts of myself growing old alone…