Archives for March 2008
Positive strokes
It seems like so long ago and yet it was only this morning. He spoke to me, quietly so that only I could hear him. She ran her hands along my body, stopping mid-stroke when she encountered tight and knotted muscles. All the while, I could feel his presence.
We communicated, he and I. I asked him what he thought about my sending B to live with his brother. I feared disappointment, but there wasn’t any. Instead, he reminded me of how important male communication is for a boy of B’s age.
Another thing that he told me was that it was time for me to take care of myself. He was glad that I was taking the time for a massage, but he also recognized that I have been putting the kids’ needs ahead of mine to a fault.
It’s now time to be nice to me. The positive strokes need to begin somewhere. Why not here? And now!
Rest and Remembrance
I’ve been getting emails all week from family, friends, and blog acquaintances that are all acutely aware of the time of year. Because of this, I am taking this reprieve from my sabbatical to provide you with this update.
It is true; four seasons (one calendar year) have passed since my husband died. I am comforted by the caring thoughts of so many people (many whom I have never even met). While the spectators from the blog-o-sphere are aware of the date, those that we come in contact with on a daily basis remain clueless. Perhaps if those around me were avid readers of my blog, they too would be better informed of the grieving road map. I can’t blame them really. I haven’t taken much time to educate them. I haven’t had the energy to do so.
Recently, I did manage to get the word out to the schools regarding the 1-year anniversary of our loss. YaYa has been showing obvious struggles all week. His inability to do things such as write in a straight line, draw nicely, and retain focus, have been telltale signs of this. I am sure the phenomenon is hitting the whole of Family F in one way or another.
I have noticed my own suffering from a lack of performance. I’ve been worthless all week. My mind has constantly been straying off-task, and my motivation seems to be at an all-time low. Somehow, although I am not sure how, my work has been getting accomplished. I have also managed to get out and run. It has only been once this week but it is a start, and the week is still young.
It’s not that I feel bad, really. On the contrary, I feel pretty good considering everything that is come and gone recently. I am just tired, Oh SO Tired. The time change has added to the funk. We climb into bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm and then fight to get up by 7 am, when we should be up at 6:15 am. Sunny spring evenings are something that I have always enjoyed about this time of year. I love the sunshine and the feeling of endless leisure at the end of my day (even if it is a façade). Come morning, on the other hand, it is a completely different story. This is where my love for the time of year quickly turns to hate as I MUST have sun to help me wake me up in the morning. If the sun can sleep in, I should be able to as well.
Since I know that many of you are wondering, I have decided to take the anniversary day off. We plan to enjoy a day of rest, while engaging in a few remembrance activities. I hope that some further healing will come of it.
Spring has Sprung
Today, being the first day of spring is one way of marking the passing of the first year since T’s death. Tomorrow, being the 21st marks the first full calendar year. I’ve been getting emails all week from friends, blog acquaintances, and family who are acutely aware of the timing. It is nice to know that so many people care for me/us (as many have never even met me).
While the spectators from the blog-o-sphere are aware of the date, those that we come in contact with on a daily basis are unaware. Today, I called Y’s school to inform the teacher of the 1-year anniversary. I wanted to let her know that Y has been troubled all week with an inability to do things such as write in a straight line, draw nicely, and basically focus. She needed to know this, as his final draft of his book faire project is now overdue.
Speaking of lack of performance; I’m worthless today. Okay, I’ll admit it; I’ve been worthless all week. My mind has constantly been straying off-task, and my motivation has been at an all-time low. Somehow, although I am not sure how, my work has been getting accomplished. I remain thankful that work has been slow.
It’s not that I feel bad. On the contrary, I feel pretty good considering everything that is come and gone recently. I am just tired, Oh SO Tired.
Fighting my way back
Dragging my butt back into some sort of a running routine has been a difficult task or, more accurately, it has been a fight. After several days of planning to run, followed by NOT even getting out the door, I was determined that I would not let it get overlooked another day.
Y and I went straight from support group to the gym. I set Y up in the cafe with his homework, and an order of chicken nuggets.
At 5:30 pm, I was lucky (and relieved) to find an open treadmill. The next big task was to use it. Fortunately, there wasn’t the usual heavy-footed runner within earshot this evening. Without the entertainment of myPod, I was left to listen to the sound of my footfalls and breathing.
My run was not easy. I fought the urge to quit for the entire run. This was not because of being tired, although my run wasn’t easy either. It was mostly due to a lack of motivation. My original target of 5 miles, quickly got reduced to 4 miles, and later to 3.1 miles. I was satisfied at having done any bit of running, and convinced myself that as long as I didn’t overdue it, I had a good chance of getting back to it tomorrow. I followed up the run with some weights and was out of there with a sense of accomplishment (however small).
Perhaps, tomorrow, it will be a little easier than today. I might to fight my way back to my old running routine, but I know that it will be worth it in the end.