I’ve been getting emails all week from family, friends, and blog acquaintances that are all acutely aware of the time of year. Because of this, I am taking this reprieve from my sabbatical to provide you with this update.
It is true; four seasons (one calendar year) have passed since my husband died. I am comforted by the caring thoughts of so many people (many whom I have never even met). While the spectators from the blog-o-sphere are aware of the date, those that we come in contact with on a daily basis remain clueless. Perhaps if those around me were avid readers of my blog, they too would be better informed of the grieving road map. I can’t blame them really. I haven’t taken much time to educate them. I haven’t had the energy to do so.
Recently, I did manage to get the word out to the schools regarding the 1-year anniversary of our loss. YaYa has been showing obvious struggles all week. His inability to do things such as write in a straight line, draw nicely, and retain focus, have been telltale signs of this. I am sure the phenomenon is hitting the whole of Family F in one way or another.
I have noticed my own suffering from a lack of performance. I’ve been worthless all week. My mind has constantly been straying off-task, and my motivation seems to be at an all-time low. Somehow, although I am not sure how, my work has been getting accomplished. I have also managed to get out and run. It has only been once this week but it is a start, and the week is still young.
It’s not that I feel bad, really. On the contrary, I feel pretty good considering everything that is come and gone recently. I am just tired, Oh SO Tired. The time change has added to the funk. We climb into bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm and then fight to get up by 7 am, when we should be up at 6:15 am. Sunny spring evenings are something that I have always enjoyed about this time of year. I love the sunshine and the feeling of endless leisure at the end of my day (even if it is a façade). Come morning, on the other hand, it is a completely different story. This is where my love for the time of year quickly turns to hate as I MUST have sun to help me wake me up in the morning. If the sun can sleep in, I should be able to as well.
Since I know that many of you are wondering, I have decided to take the anniversary day off. We plan to enjoy a day of rest, while engaging in a few remembrance activities. I hope that some further healing will come of it.