Going back through my blog entries, thus back through time, I try to find the missing pieces hidden within my words. The memories of the way we were many months ago bring tears to my eyes. My careful evaluation of my own words reveals a shift occurring around the start of our support groups (the 6th month mark of T’s passing) and an obvious shift just after Halloween.
I begin wondering:
• What happened?
• Who shifted first?
• Was it me?
• Does it matter?
I guess I am just searching for answers to the “what went wrong?” question. I can’t do it all again, and still I wonder what the catalyst was. It seems like it has to be more than a father dying, and more than a boy becoming a teen.
I go back through time, entry by entry, closing off the entry’s comment fields to avoid SPAM. I can see a shift in him, and in me. It was before Halloween. How much before? I keep clicking.
I never quite come out and say just exactly what is going on where B is concerned. I never quite say what trouble he has been getting into – Not Exactly, because I never knew exactly the extent of the drugs and alcohol. I only knew the outcome – the B that emerged on the day after. I didn’t like him so much. He didn’t like me much either.
After sifting through 7 months of entries, I am dishearted that I still don’t know why. I suppose I never will know the whole reason why the son who said “no” to drugs, and even went as far as the talk his friends out of it, got tired of saying “no.” I’ll never know unless he tells me. Perhaps, I don’t really want to know.