Archives for March 2008
We spent the better part of Saturday repairing the drip system in my backyard. This was a task that could not be put off much longer. With the days of rain drying up and Summer on the way my plants would soon be suffering badly. Of course I would not even be in this situation if Ronin never joined the Family F. Lucky for me, Big Sis came down to talk me through it and give me an assist.
Once I was confident that water was being delivered to my plants again, I trekked to the local nursery for a few new plants. It seems that dogs are not the only gardener’s curse. It seems that the boy’s soccer and football games were in need of some sacrificial plants. The places were water was now being delivered to empty spaces told it all.
At the nursery I discovered a whole section that was dedicated to dog food and toys. I was surprised, though only for a second or two. Then I remembered that dogs (along with active boys) are one of the driving forces for needing to buy new plants. It made perfect sense. I guess that my situation is not all that unusual after all.
The best part is that it saved me a trip to the pet store. With two large dogs, we go through the dog food faster than plants and drip systems.
It’s been nearly a year since I have made it to one of the seasonal social gatherings. I swore that today would be different, yet there I was thinking that I’d prefer to nap instead of making the 60 minute drive. I fought the urge to skip the party, and soon Y and I were walking into the party together.
From the first set of hugs, my unease began building. I was ready to run for the door by the time Chris asked me how I was doing. I am NOT exaggerating. Chris was the first of many that would ask that question, but that wasn’t the worse.
When the questions about B began, my unease turned into a DISease-like feeling. I didn’t know how to respond except to shrug my shoulders and try to hold back the tears. As the crowd assembled for a group trip to the beach, I retreated to the computer room where Y was playing on a game website. After dinner, I informed Y that we were leaving.
I went out to thank Chris and Linda for their hospitality. "Oh no," Linda said, "you need to sit here a minute first." She opened up her arms and invited me to sit on her lap. I took her up on her invitation and cried a little and laughed a little too.
I decided to stay a bit longer to participate in getting a spiritual healing. That ended up being really cool as Y ended up taking an active role in the smudge healings. The party goers then gathered around to form a circle, where a few blessings were exchanged and the group gave thanks.
I am so happy that Linda urged me to stick it out. By the time I left, I was all filled up, with a lot more to hope AND reason to be thankful.
I discovered a few things about myself in the short time that I was on my blogging leave (or sabbatical). I discovered just how much I thrive on communication. There is a level of feeling connected to a greater whole that I have been missing.
After Tom died, I tried to fill my emptiness with, what appeared to be a means of gaining this feeling of being connected. I joined several social networks (My Space, Facebook, & Twitter) and then waited for the feeling of belonging to magically appear. It works for my son, so why not me.
Well, that feeling never came. Instead of feeling like I fit in, I felt more like a high school student that has not been included in the clique of popular girls. Recently, I have been laughing at myself – out loud even. I have since remembered that in high school, I was never a part of the popular girls because I was different. I was one of the jocks, and proud of it.
More than feeling like I didn’t belong, the social networks also made me feel vulnerable. While I easily made the decision to take leave from this blog, after having my words appear on another site (without adequate credit), I remained on these networks. The feeling of alienation grew, because it is YOU that I feel connected to and it is HERE that I get that acceptance.
I began to rethink my leave. I also re-thought my membership on the social networks. I then deactivated those accounts.
I cannot say how often I will blog here. My participation in Blog 365 is not important anymore, but my communication to and from you (my friends) IS.
..has it’s rewards.