Keeping Pace

Keeping Pace

Boot, Scoot, Boogie

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While I sit at home, working and watching Kobe grow into his feet, I entertain thoughts of him accompanying me on long hikes and eventually backpacking excursions. As I do, I think about getting him accustomed to hauling his own water or other items. In my free time, I research packs and doggie boots to protect his delicate puppy paws. I think it’s funny what motivates us/me in these days of COVID. Don’t you?

Upon acquiring some second hand Ruffwear Boots, I eagerly put them on him. Not surprisingly, Kobe is eager to free his paws from the boots I’ve just put on him. Repeatedly, he frees his paws, only to have me put the boots back on him. With the boots now on all 4 paws, I run circles around the house, playfully encouraging him to chase me. We make a few circles through the living room, down the hallway, into the dining room, and back into the living room. I decide to change it up and quickly make a turn into the family room. As I do, he follows me, boots flapping along as he tries to figure out how to maneuver with them. Then, it happens…

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Okay with not being okay

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I took this picture as the sun made it descent for the day. Treasuring the moment and the strangely red sun while enjoying a hike with YaYa, Simba, and our new pup (Kobe). The day before my son would return to working full time would mark the end of his sheltering the storm with me (as we have been doing since the middle of March). Little did I know, this would also be the last time I would see the sun for a while (hopefully).

Mornings have been rather tough lately, with the darkness lingering longer than in the peak of Summer. As you know, my emotions tend to be interconnected with the sunlight. It is why I love living in California. Lately, however, our lovely state has caught fire throughout the land. Many have lost their homes or have been evacuated and living with the fear that they will never be able to return. For me, I am blessed that I am able to remain in my home. Yet, the fear in the air is palpable. I breathe it in all day long and am getting worn down from my emotions taking yet another hit.

I look around and I take note:
– I am safe
– My family is safe
– Our home is safe
– We all have jobs
– We are all healthy
– I am blessed

I am not alone in feeling this emotional uncertainty. I know this. Perhaps you are feeling it too. As I remind myself to refrain from making a list of negatives, I give myself permission not to beat myself up for not staying positive. I invite you to do the same. And if you are lucky enough to have someone nearby who can give you a hug, enjoy the embrace. Even that is a blessing. This, I know.

 

Unhinged

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The year mark of becoming single again hit around the time we began sheltering in our homes. This was about the time I figured I might be ready to stick my baby toe in the water to test out dating. But I honestly wondered if, in fact, I was ready. Seeing posts of Him and Her on the very vacations that He and I had been planning (once he could take some time off), the wine and dine moments, and all the rest of PDA posts flooding my social media still stung. I had to ask myself “Was I was really ready?” OR “Was I still too hung up on how badly I got hurt to keep the pain from dampening any chance of being open to creating love anew?”

Five months later, I wonder if I am any more ready. As I read up on the vast array of dating apps, I become more scared of getting hurt. Yet, friends of mine are making it work — finding new love and happiness. And it looks nice. Really nice. So I ask them for input and am told that their magic app was called Hinge.

I download, complete my profile, and hit submit. A minute or two later, I have a comment on a photo. Ugh! It’s the photo of me with hair down… and I feel compelled to fess up that my hair is almost never down. The guy on the other end sends messages that sound a bit too overdone, “Oh, I’m in love,” “I can’t think of anything else to say but propose” and I think “WTF?!” Oh yeah,… He wants to meet. Yet, as I scan the conversation, I note that he hasn’t asked anything about me. Maybe I am a prude but there were other parts of the conversation that caused concern. I sat with it for hours…

In the meantime, I continued to view the other eligible men on the site. It seems that the app doesn’t have any sort of algorithm for “matching”; it’s all up to the user. This judging a person by their photos and a few words was much like judging a book by it’s cover (WRONG). Yet, there I was looking, judging, and clicking the “X”. As I scanned through the photos, I wondered if any of these men really wanted a relationship. Many of the photos were blurry or ones you would send to your bro with some sort of funny joke. I waited a few more hours.

Then, <24h after installing, I deleted the app. I’m “unhinged” and STILL single. And that is fine.

Ignorance v. Racism

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The meaning of racism has been redefined. My previous thinking that required horrible acts to be associated with beliefs was “racism” and that prejudice was something lessor harmful. In today’s world, my ignorance is far from blissful. I am learning just how harmful this way of thinking can be. Additionally, I am learning how to voice opinion with the intention of educating others. It’s a challenge for me. I used to simply “unfriend” these people who’s way of thinking was in deep conflict with my own but never voice any opinion in opposition.

I hate conflict.

My tendency to remain silent was challenged when someone in my own family (albeit extended family) posted a racist meme on her FB wall. I have met her once at a family reunion; she is married to my cousin and, according to her FB profile, is catholic. So, I was blown away when I saw a post stating “If black lives really mattered,,,” [as if that was in question], “They’d stop shooting each other.” At the bottom of the image was some unfounded fact indicating that 94% of all blacks shot was by blacks. REALLY?! I might ask where this statistic came from because I find it hard to believe. And yet, my real issue is with the word “IF.” I couldn’t imagine how she could even entertain the idea that anyone’s life didn’t matter. What kind of catholic church did she go to? Certainly not any that I ever attended!

I didn’t unfriend her. But I did add my own comment to her post. It’s been about 12 hours and neither she nor her cohort of “friends” have replied. But I am certain that she, her husband (my cousin), and many of our relatives in comment have seen it. And I hope that further discussions are occurring offline in this regard.

What has your experience been? Please share.

additions and adjustments

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The past 6 weeks has been a whirlwind of events and emotions in our little world as well as the the greater world. I’ve refrained from posting much on social media to allow for the messages of the substance towards change to be heard. All the while, I continued to shelter in place with my only excitement from the arrival of our sweet pup, Kobe.

The much awaited day finally came…

I honestly thought that Simba would welcome this little guy with an overwhelming amount of enthusiasm. In fact, I worried that his energy would overwhelm the little pup. Neither was the case.

I can tell that Simba is not happy that Kobe gets fed several times a day. He doesn’t seem to appreciate that he is getting extra treats from me in an effort to ease the jealousy. Meanwhile, I am adjusting to a little less sleep, a little different yoga practice, and whole lot of potty monitoring. And I am thankful that I decided to take the whole week off from work to allow for the anticipated adjustment phase.

 

 

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