Rock
We had just arrived at the camp drop off. Almost immediately, YaYa was picked out of the crowd by a couple of the ever-enthusiastic counselors. One ran over yelling his name, and minutes later YaYa was playing games with the same group of kids who have been coming to this camp year after year! This camp has been one of the few rock solid supports we know we can count on — a blessing for sure.
Paper covers rock.
Paper
Meanwhile, I turned in the last of the forms before hovering in the perimeter of YaYa’s circle of friends. As always, I like to preserve a few of these moments in photographs so that I won’t have to rely solely on memory alone to thank back on this day. And…when the inevitable missing-my-son moments crop up (as they often do), I have a recent picture to look at to remind me of why this camp is so invaluable to us.
Scissors cut Paper.
Scissors
Not far from me was another parent with a camera. I moved closer to do the usual meet and greet, Camp Kesem style. Who had the Cancer? What flavor? Are they Fighting, Surviving, or Gone? Same as every year, I have a knack to meet up with other widows and widowers. This year was no different.
Once past the basic question, we were on to the heavier stuff – the stuff that cuts deep. These are the normal questions but the honesty and depth of the answers comes a little more freely with other widow/widowers. The conversation wasn’t long but it certainly hit hard – pointing out a bit more of my not-quite-resolved stuff. By the time I walked away, I was emotionally spent and wishing I’d taken the day off.
I sat in my car feeling somewhat numb and wishing I’d felt completely numb. I began firing off the questions. Why am I not over it yet? What else must I do to be fully healed? Invalidating all of my progress, these questions served to reinforce a common untruth about grieving. I do know that I’ll never be completely “over it.” And still, I asked the questions and waited for the answers.
Rock breaks Scissors.
I experienced the pain for a good while then something happened. Was it a call, an email, or just the normal routine of life, I’m not sure. At some point in the day, I remembered that not only do have people who are my rock when I need a solid foundation but I, myself, have the solid foundation to be my own rock. Therefore…
I WIN!
Awesome post, Juls. I haven’t left my kid at camp for extended time before. I always end up being drafted for adult leadership. I’m glad to help, but it makes me wonder if it hinders him to know I am there if issues arise.
Your comments about cancer are timely. My sister-in-law has been called back to the doctor’s office this week, after her mammogram on Monday. Crossing fingers that its nothing.
I too love this post. One doesn’t fight the rip current, but rather uses its own energy against it until it is dissipated.
You have always been strong.
Wes’ last statement reminds me of a leader’s recent reflection, which went something like this… “Some would say tragedy or loss builds character. I say adversity ~reveals~ character.” I agree, you have always been strong.
Love your strength and ability to write about it so well. Many hugs to you!