I left work early today to attend my "group" session. I cried all the way home as I thought of the past couple of weeks. It has not been easy for me. In fact, the emotional drain has been equal to watching my husband dying. It feels like I am doing it all over again, only this time I am watching my son’s life slip away from him.
My head hurts, and my eyes burn from crying. My son tells me that he wants to quit baseball because he doesn’t enjoy it anymore. He adds that he doesn’t anything anymore. I know exactly what he means. I feel the same way. I pray that his coach will talk him out of it. I pray that he will give it a bit longer…but I know that it won’t change his level of enjoyment. Nonetheless, I want him to do it.
When I called him from the home phone, an hour later, he asked why I was home. He’d forgotten that YaYa and I had "group" today. I told him that I didn’t like my job…so I quit. There was silence on the line. If only it were that easy – I’d just sleep away the days until this nightmare was over. I told him that I was joking. He told me that he loved me.
The truth was, I rushed home to gather all the coffee mugs which Tom had collected from all of the "dot com" companies he’d worked at. My plan was to throw them against the fence, thus releasing some of my pent up anger. If that wasn’t enough, I’d hit the dishes next.
I didn’t get very far with the plan. Instead, I put the collection on the table outside and went upstairs for a hot shower. It was all that I could do for myself with the time that I had. That, and my support group session.
I am constantly being told, "You should do something for yourself." I try not to let them see me roll my eyes at the comment. Responsibility looms in every second of my day. It over takes me, and makes the chore of "grieving" seem insignificant in its wake.
While it is true that I need to take better care of myself, their suggestion of a day at the spa is NOT what I need. For now, a hot shower would have to do. Today, a friend put it to me differently. He was not suggesting a spa day, he suggested that in order to take care of myself, I must "represent myself" the best that I am able. I cannot easily explain what he meant, but I can tell you that he is right on this one.
It doesn’t make it any easier.