Keeping Pace

Keeping Pace

Alone Time

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It would be an exaggeration to say that I couldn’t do anything without theMAN. In many ways, my venture into Spartan/OCR events was an exercise in standing on my own. Besides being nervous about doing the 8-10 mile event with YaYa that summer, I think a part of me needed to reclaim a little confidence and independence as well.

On one hand, I was scared of taking on that experience (volunteering AND the race) all by myself. On the other hand, I was excited and a little empowered to go it alone.

Sometimes, you have to stand all alone just to prove that you can still stand.” -Unknown

It was at that first Spartan experience where I lost my car parked in a dark grassy field, in the middle of nowhere, on a rainy night, with no cell reception after my volunteer shift. When I finally found my car, I realized that I couldn’t find my way to my AirBNB without cell service (which I didn’t get for quite some time driving). On race morning, I was scared sh!tless to jump into the starting corral all by myself to take on that race. But I did it anyway. I had no idea what I was doing or how I’d manage, but I had a desire to prove to myself that I was indeed capable.

We’re now 2 months into the friendship thing and I am beginning to feel okay about it. I can’t explain it but it is similar to finishing that first Spartan Race and realizing that I had what it took to make it through — learning how to ask for help when needed while discovering my own strength and agility for the rest. It’s pretty damn cool to realize that you can stand alone and still be okay.

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miracles

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Ms. Garmina has made a reappearance on my wrist these days. Her simplistic nature is refreshing. It’s funny that I can’t quite remember why I stopped using her. I suppose I’ll figure that out before too long if it was for good reason.

The weather has been beautiful this weekend. I hit the trails both Saturday AND Sunday. On Saturday, I set out for a run but ended up hiking instead. I’d every intention to warm up by walking the paved path and then beginning my run. Instead, I just kept walking. And although my hips did experience some discomfort (similar to the weeks leading up to my race), that wasn’t the reason that I didn’t ever try to run. I just didn’t feel like running. Instead, I went for a casually paced hike – stopping here and there to just sit and take it all in. 

It seemed that Saturday was a day for taking in the wonders of nature. In the final mile of my trek, I overheard a boy calling his dad over to examine his latest find. His voice was full of excitement as he exclaimed that he had just found “a miracle.” This is a photo of the plants he had discovered. The flowers “floating” in the center of the leaves are what had him delighted at that moment when I walked past. But I had a feeling that it was not the only miracle he had discovered that day. It had me thinking that we all could benefit from viewing the world as this boy did.

On Sunday, I returned to the trail again. This time, I brought my little four legged friend along with me. He had his own style of exploring the trails and I did my best to keep him from getting too close to the poison oak as he explored. Oddly enough, I did not set out with running in mind, but ended up jogging intermittently here and there. As Ms. Garmina can attest, it was not fast but a jog nonetheless. And, that too, was a miracle.

ships passing

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I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before giving up on the hope that I would be blessed with more sleep. It wasn’t even 5 am yet. It’s been this way for several days now. The rain falls on my rooftop while thoughts flood my mind and tears fill my eyes. I make some coffee, respond to the important work emails, and confirm that today is a “moon day” [there is a new moon in the skies, therefore the ashtanga yoga will be cancelled today]. All the more reason to return to sleep. *sigh*

A short while later, I power up my iPad to watch Friends on Netflix. Comedic relief surely would be the answer. But this morning, as I watch Phoebe’s wedding, I think of the reason for the slow demise of my sweet relationship with theMAN I have loved so much for the past 10 years. I laugh, then cry as I watch the show.

We knew at the beginning of this relationship that it might end this way; I was set on marriage while his belief in marriage had been destroyed. Even so, I didn’t want to miss out on seeing where the relationship would go. There were times, when I was sure he’d change his mind seeing how much I loved him, and he loved me. But when he firmly announced that he would NEVER remarry, my heart was crushed. As the years followed, my need for acceptance seemed to be erecting a wall of protection between us as I tried to find independence once again. I could not allow myself to “need” him anymore. At the same time as I was rebuilding my identity, he seemed to be going through changes of his own. His teaching picked up, which left him spent and short on patience by the time we were able to spend time together.

Long story — short: we finally acknowledged the fact that we have become “friends” more than lovers. So that’s now what we are calling ourselves.

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con·sist·en·cy

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A year ago, BoBo asked me to attend the Holiday Party/Awards Ceremony from his work in Reno, NV. That year, the invitation came too late for me to be able to pull off, so I deferred to the next year (a.k.a. January 2019). The 12 months between events passed rather quickly. In that year, I watched my son put all his energy into his career. Chasing the next promotion, he always seemed to keep his long term goal in mind, foregoing many a late night out that would make it difficult to wake up early the next day. Each week, he would write out his goals and send them to his boss and others as a way of being held accountable. He networked with those whom he admired to inquire on ways to overcome the hurdles he was encountering on his entrepreneurial journey, and acted as a mentor to those who were just learning their way in the business. He did this with admirable consistency throughout the year.

At the meeting this year, when the CEO of the company was describing the recipient of the “consistency” award, I had a hunch that BoBo was the one receiving this award after hearing a minute or two of the introduction. I picked up my phone and began recording the speech – hoping that my hunch was right.

Of course, I was overjoyed when his name was called. Moreover, I was incredibly proud when I heard what my son had to say as he accepted the award. His ability to speak eloquently in accepting the award was excellent. Thanking his superiors for the opportunity, he left everyone motivated to go after their own success. I was in awe at his grace and composure. He certainly didn’t get from me. But I think I know who he did get it from and know that he would be so proud if he were alive to see it.

across the street and nextdoor

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We used to have a neighbor (Mrs. Across theStreet) who seemed to call the cops at every observed deviation from her ideal. We joked that the police would take their time when being called to our street as they were called there for every little thing. This included my son hitting the “pokie balls” at the nearby light post with his baseball bat.

I thought of her last night, as I was awakened by an unfamiliar car parked across from my house with its engine running and musical base rattling my windows and sending alarm through my every synapse. It was just shy of 2am and just over a week since my next door neighbor’s house was broken into. On top of that, the reports of break-ins, thefts, and the other have seemed to be in the rise in my emails from the not-so-helpful Nextdoor app. Although I was unable to identify the type of car loitering outside now, I did know that it was similar enough to the car seen leaving my neighbors house with the carload of hooligans.

 As I stood there, I scanned the neighborhood for movement but saw nothing. I went downstairs and tried to get a better look. I checked all of the locks and turned on the porch light. Then I returned to my bedroom window to watch. I googled non-emergency police, called the number but, upon hearing a recording, hung up. I watched, and waiting, watched, and waited….and prayed they would just leave. But they didn’t. I finally returned to bed and tried to return to sleep. Of course, I couldn’t. With every sound, I bounded back out of bed and to the window, clutching my phone at the ready. Until just after 3am, the sound I heard was a car alarm. I couldn’t tell, but I think it was their car. The car doors were open and the two hooded guys put something in the trunk than got back inside. The alarm was still going and they were not moving. Scanning the area, there was nothing in sight out of the ordinary.

 I called 9-1-1 anyway.

As much as I was afraid of being “that neighbor”, always falsely calling for help, I didn’t want to be the neighbor that ignored the strange car only to find out that someone nearby was getting robbed or worse. The cops came out, talked to the guys briefly, then drove away. I returned to bed but still couldn’t sleep. I got up and looked outside; the car was gone. About 20 minutes later, I heard the car alarming about 5 houses further down the street. Around 4am, I finally fell back to sleep.

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