Archives for December 2008
deactivated
The door to my office has been closed for much of the day. It’s not that I have bloodshot eyes from crying, or that I am poorly dressed or stink to high heaven from lack of hygiene. I actually did a good job at putting on a happy face today.
Earlier in the day the following conversation occurred with a colleague:
Guy: Your hair looks GREAT. Did you just get it done?
Me: No. I was awake at 4 AM so it got some extra attention.
Guy: I was awake at 4 AM too. What doesn’t my hair look like that?
It made me laugh when I really needed to laugh. Still, I returned to my desk, made a to-do list, and tried to focus on my job. That is why I am here. Right?
At lunch, I took a 2 mile walk in the area surrounding my work. The air was cool and dried leaves littered the sidewalk. I took it in. Try as I might, the thoughts of all of the happiness I have experienced with L and all that now stands in limbo-land weighed me down. I walked and did my best to take in my surroundings. I worked for a total of 5 minutes. *sigh*
It is hard to be alone with the unhappy thoughts — so hard in fact, that I found myself once again reaching for my iPhone to update my status on FB. As if people really care that I am “walking.” Really? It’s just stupid how glued I’ve been to FB these days. I can’t help myself. And seriously, of the 200+ “friends” who are connected to me, there are very few who are really honest to goodness friends. So why, then, why do I waste my time? I didn’t have a reasonable answer to this question so, when I returned to the office, I deactivated my account (temporarily, at least).
So if you are standing outside of my office, or outside of my FB account, please don’t take it personally. I just needed a break to think my own thoughts. Of course YOU can always find me here.
Open mouth; Insert foot
By the time YaYa and I piled into the van, I’d already made the fatal mistake. It was brutally honest — without the luxury of a full explanation. Now, I can’t shake the oh-what-have-I-done feeling.
We were heading for the gym, which is where I should have gone instead of picking up the phone. But, the gym now seemed pointless and YaYa had since lost his enthusiasm for swimming as well. I went to the store for a bottle of wine instead.
I had a glass, an entire bar of dark chocolate, and went to bed. Unfortunately, I am now awake again and I feel awful.