It’s been about 6 weeks since I began training with TNT. Since the beginning, I’ve frequently been hit with the “how do you like it?” question. Each time, I find myself a little uneasy. I am uneasy with my feelings still or rather, I am uneasy with the reaction that I expect to receive in response to the feelings that I have had.
I suppose my uneasiness is because I think that people want to hear that I love TNT, and that I have made loads of new friends. Although I do enjoy it, I do not feel like I have made many “friends”. I have met some really nice people – people that I would love to one day call my friends. If only I could remember their names better. I’m great with faces and details about people, but I really suffer in the name department. This is nothing new for me; people tell me their name and by the time they walk away, I have already forgotten it. I discovered last Tuesday that the girl that I’ve been calling Amy is actually Tracy. Eek! If I could just let the names sink in, perhaps the relationships would evolve from the acquaintance stage to something more, but it is hard to get to get to know people when you are out of breath from a hard workout.
So YaYa and I stayed after Tuesday’s workout for another one of the Hang with the gang (HWTG) dinners. We had a great time and it was nice to have YaYa with me for part of the night (instead of on the bench with his DS). They had a drawing and I banked another seemingly meaningless fact about my teammates. Fact: There are 3 participants named Wendy.
Since I still feel alone in a crowd when I arrive to training events, I was hoping that staying for the HWTG dinner would help to change this. What is most troubling about my inability to connect, is that I remember being different; I remember thriving for this exact environment. Now, I watch the people that are most like the girl that I used to be; they are the ones whom I hope to befriend.
At times, I try to be the old Julie, but it feels foreign and fake. I do not want to make new friends based on who I was. The problem is that I don’t yet know who I have become. More aptly put, I don’t think that she has arrived yet. The emptiness from Tom’s death is still so strong, and it overshadows any moment of joy with a little bit of numbness. A loss, as great as the death of a spouse, leaves a cavernous void behind. Try as I might, I cannot seem to fill this void.
The funny thing is, I don’t think that I appear to others in the same way as I feel on the inside. I mean to say that I must not have a “don’t talk to me” wall up. This is reassuring. Last night, I began talking to a man at the pool as I stood at the wall trying to relieve my eyes from the trauma of too much chlorine and forgotten goggles. Being the HOT day that it was, the pool was filled and the weather was a topic frequently discussed. In the short time that we were talking, I mentioned that I’d been running at a group track workout the day before and, coincidently his wife had done the same. “Team in Training?” he asked. Well, it turns out that his wife is one of the Wendy’s on the team. Who knew? Now, while this conversation was going on, YaYa was chatting it up with his son, and this morning YaYa announced that he hopes to see his new “friend” at the pool again and at the next track workout. Just like that, my son has a new friend. I am happy that he is seemingly okay in this arena.
Just as I am evolving, my running has been changing too. Although I look forward to my runs, in general running does not seem to provide the same outlet that it used to. It’s a trade off from letting go of the “need” to run (a change which my life insisted that I make). Being able to enjoy my weekly solo run has helped me to better enjoy the TNT group runs. There is so much meditation that is done during those lonely miles. I believe that this is where I will find the new me…in due time. For now, I will run with my virtual “buddy” until the point in time that I find the buddy in myself which I am searching for.
As for my potential TNT buddies, there is still a lot of time to learn their names and connect. During the coming weeks, YaYa and BoBo will both be away at the same time. This will leave me plenty of time to be alone with myself (and the dogs). Not only will I be able to join the gang for a few of the organized buddy runs, but I might even hook up with Wendy for a local run. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy a few of the post-track HWTG dinners and get to know a few of my teammates a little better.