Since my last post, B called me to say that he had received my gift. He confessed that he had sold my iPod just prior to moving. I didn’t ask what he got in return for it. I am afraid to know.
After his confession, he launched into 45 minutes of professing that he was now changed. He asked to be able to come home to live with us at the end of the summer so that he could return to his high school and play football. I said “no” – over and over, I had to say it. He just didn’t seem to take “no” for an answer. When it was clear that there would be no logical breaking point in the call, I ended myself. I told him that I was exhausted and that I just couldn’t take any more that night.
He didn’t call back for days. Then ,on Saturday, our home answering machine had a message stating that he’d lost his cellular phone. I disconnected his service immediately and did not arrange to send a replacement phone. I called the house and spoke with his uncle and aunt for over an hour, but I haven’t heard from B.
My son and I are now dis-connected. I wonder how we got to this point in our relationship. We used to be so close. He was my everything for so long. In the morning, I open my eyes to find Ronin, our BIG flat-coat retriever pup, staring at me. Often I will close my eyes again and delay eye contact, thus remaining disconnected from his doggie demands of the morning. A few minutes later, I open my eyes to see him patiently waiting. His eyes are deep brown in color and, when I stare back into them, I feel something more than just a dog waiting to pee, eat, and play. In Ronin’s eyes I am reminded of the notion of “unconditional love.” In his eyes is the reminder that, in spite of all the pain that a mother and son inflict upon eachother, that the unconditional love WILL pull through. It’s there – deep, deep, deep inside each of us…and, in our case, separated by an ocean.