Do you remember this post? Its hard to believe that it is a year later. Once again, I find myself in a predicament similar in intensity. Just as before, I appreciate and need the love and support that I am receiving from all of the well-meaning family and friends. I also know that they have no way of knowing how much their “advice” hurts…but it does.
This post is another rant. Like before, the “You” referred to in this post if not any specific person, but rather a compounding of multiple phone calls, voicemails, emails, and energies that I have been struggling with.
You may look on at my actions and wonder when I will strip BoBo of all privileges, force him to play baseball, keep him from using drugs, and make him get good grades. From your vantage point it may seem as if I am allowing him to fail in school, or that I am giving him permission to walk all over me. And you wonder why I don’t just lay down the law as you would do.
From my point of view, there is a distinction between you and me. He is my son and I know him best – even now. My actions are out of love for him. I am not allowing him to fail in school; I am supporting him and encouraging him (however firmly), and sending him the message that he CAN do it. I will not force him to play baseball. I cannot enforce an order such as that and hold down my job. Finally, it I take everything away from him, I am powerless to utilize consequences for any poor choice that he might make. There would be nothing for me to take away, and no reason for him to want to get out of bed.
I ask you, for a brief moment, to imagine your husband or wife has died. Imagine waking up each and every morning to the empty spot in the bed beside you, trying to get on with your day in a house where so much pain has been experienced, and making your children do the same. Now imagine that your own kids are 5-6 years older; they are in as much, if not more, pain than you. You feel helpless in supporting them. You are doing all that you can to provide for them, and yet it isn’t enough. Why isn’t it enough? It isn’t enough because the people, who are supposed to be supporting you through this, are telling you that it isn’t. *sigh*
You cannot even begin to imagine (even if you really tried) what it is like for me. You will never know all of the steps that I am taking, nor the obstacles that I am overcoming, to become the best parent that I can to my sons.
Now, go hug your wife and children, and be glad that it ISN’T you that is going through this…and cut me some slack.
ah – armchair quarterbacking the parenting experience is just too easy. And people, if you haven’t raised a teen you are in for a big surprise. You can’t just send them to the time out chair thereby getting the upper hand.
Jules I know the things will work out with the steps you are taking. Been there, done that, seen the results and they were good!
Here’s the thing. There comes a day (much sooner than any of us think) when forcing your children to do anything is no longer an option. How can you possibly force them? And, I believe you are exactly right – if you take everything away, you take away hope, you take away the simple joys that keep them intact. Juls, I know that you are doing the very best you can for your child. None of us can know what you are going through, or how we would react in the same situation. None of us know how our own child would react to the emotional toll that your children have paid. Go with your Mom-gut. Mom’s know their children. Mom’s know what is best for their family. Trust yourself, you are doing it exactly right for your family.
You tell ’em, Juls! It is so hard to be everything and impossible to just “fix” someone else, even if you are the best parent on the planet. When I was recently explaining to someone how hard it was to keep on top of my kid’s diagnoses and treatments and schedules and quirks, etc. a good friend comforted me by reminding me that all have to do is “be the Mom”. I just have to do the loving, and the kids and the world will have to figure out the rest.
You Da Mom, Juls. Hang in there.
You got it exactly right – just be there to encourage and support them.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. And what a a raw and needed post this is. It makes me think about how I approach others when they are going through something.
Good for you & I so apologize if I’ve stepped on any toes in comments. . . . .you have to do what YOU think is best. . . .& you’re right, you can’t take everything (I’ve tried) then you have nothing. . .except my kid is a clothes & shoe freak (37 pairs of shoes–15 yr old boy; 117 shirts, I KNOW!!) & I started taking that, only his fav’s & things just got worse, he had nothing to lose.
Its your kids & your lives & you have to do what you think is best 99.9% of the time you’re gonna be right. you know that.
Hello Jen, Pamela, Michelle, etc:
If you feel at all like this post is for you, please note: If your approach to comments is generally “this is what I did…,” then this post is NOT about you.
This is very different from ” I know this will not go over well, but…,” “In my opinion….,” or “I feel strongly that you need to…”
I am sure you can see where I am coming from.
There is nothing you can do to affect real heart change in someone, try as you might.
You’re on the right track -keep loving your boys and praying to God.
love, paj
Love you sis, hang in there!
i’ve been reading, just not commenting!
i have a comment now, but it’s probably not suitable for public consumption.
I have no idea what’s right for you and your family…but i’m fairly certain that you do.
:)
I don’t know you or your boys and I don’t have kids of my own so I don’t pretend to know anything about parenting…but from what you write in this blog, and the little we are privy to while reading you here, I know you are a good mom and do all that you can. Just keep your head up and remember that old saying, ‘tough times don’t last, but tough people do.’
“Mom gut” – I like that one … and I think it’s true. You DO know what is best for your kids. You ARE their mother, and “Mother knows best”. Sounds trite, and I know there are mothers out there who do not have their kids’ best interests at heart (sadly), but you are not one of those. You are a mother with a strong desire to teach your kids right from wrong (which by the way I think they already know because of the great examples you and Tom have set), and to forge a strong bond with them. All your agonizing and hard work will pay off in the end, I’m sure. I think back to what a “pill” I was as a teenager, and sometimes wonder how anyone, especially my parents and sibling, ever put up with me. But somehow, deep down inside, I knew they loved me no matter what, and that was what kept me from doing anything REALLY stupid.
I’m curious if anyone noted the hidden messages (BOLD text) within this post?
bold doesn’t really show up in ie which is my browser of choice (I KNOW – but old habits die hard). I just opened it in FF and yes, the bold shows through and yes – you do support him. Very well, I might add. And no – I never thought this post was directed at me.