I don’t think that I was any different from the majority of the population in thinking that Tom and I would grow old together. The only reason that crossed my mind, for why we might not, was if we split up. I often wondered if, after the kids were grown, we had enough in common to want to play out the rest of our lives together. We really were very different. But we did love each other.
Of course I never dreamed that he would die so young. I found myself carrying out a promise to take care of him, thinking that we were supposed to be old and gray by the time I had to take on that role. It isn’t always how you plan it.
Tom often would complain that his life had no meaning. He never felt that his existence had a purpose. Simply bringing in three wonderful sons, and raising them up with values and happiness was not enough for him. I now realize that his happiness was held hostage by a grief that I could never fathom. I do believe that he came to terms with this before he died. Still, we are very different individuals, he and I.
Ever since Tom’s death, the prospect of dying before I am old and gray has threatened. Even with the breast cancer scare, I promised the kids that I would fight to the end. Thankfully, it didn’t go that route. I didn’t then, and won’t ever, make promises to my children that I will be around forever (or any other measure of time).
Knowing that I won’t be around for eternity, there are a few things that I want to see/accomplish before I do die. I think that my list is simple. Unlike Tom’s initial thoughts on the meaning of life, I believe that if I can make a difference in my children’s lives, then mine will have been worth my existence. I need nothing more than that.
A wonderful friend of mine took YaYa and I to the movies yesterday. Afterwards, we went back to her house for an awesome meal cooked by her and her husband. It was a great night.
She let me pick out the movie. I chose Rob Reiner’s new movie, The Bucket List, with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. I cried a lot but enjoyed it thoroughly. It was a great movie and it does get you thinking.
The movie prompted me to work on my own "bucket list." My list is primitive but I suppose it will evolve over time. For now, the majority of items revolve around the kids.
My Bucket List
- "Find the joy" once more.
- Attend and watch each of the boys graduate from High School, and then College.
- Dance with each of my sons at their weddings.
- Spoil my grandchildren (just like my Step Dad spoiled my children) by being at their Birthday Parties, Sporting Events, any other important events, and any other time they will have me.
- Visit the Grand Canyon (with the boys).
- Qualify and run in the Boston Marathon.
- Visit Ireland and Guam with the boys to learn about their roots together.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Wow, I missed three days of reading blogs and you were really churning them out! I read through them all, but am only commenting here.
I hope your ankle is better.
I have been surprised to find out that my boys totally trusted in my love for them, even when they were being difficult. Your steadfast presence says more than you know.
I couldn’t agree with you more – my children are the reason for my existance. Hopefully, the friendships I’ve made, the lives I’ve touched through work make my existance worthwhile too!
My Dad dying unexpectedly when I was 8 has made me all too aware of how life can be snatched away in a second. I try to live every day so that if I find myself hurling over a cliff I won’t be saying “I wish I had…..” Can’t say as I have a bucket list though. Maybe I should work on that.
That’s a very nice list. Simple, yet it says so much.
I am not sure how I would ever manage without my wife. I do think about my own mortality from time to time and I suppose that the way I run is part of my own bucket list, however, it is definitely the selfish portion. I like your list. It says a lot about the type of person you are.
We all need a bucket list.
This was a lovely post.
love it. a great reminder.
I like your bucket list idea, I think I’m going to have to create one too. I don’t think any of us really know how much time we have on this earth, we should seek to make each day meaningful and cherish those around us daily.
Interesting posts. You have been through a lot and perervered. I’m sure your kids will be the better for it.
and if I might be so bold as to suggest a number 8.
Let The Joy find you more often. There is joy in unlooked for places.
I so liked this post. It’s not anything you said, but I just cringe when people say my happiness/reason for existing relys on other people, even family. True happiness and meaning is an internal struggle, and as the head of my family, I don’t want the bonds that tie me to be weakened.
Is that difficult to understand?
You are one of the strongest & bravest people I know (read).
You are what a parent should be. I find myself scolding or yelling more often than not lately. Actually had to leave the house yesterday so I didn’t scream at the top of my lungs.
In the whole scheme of things, my list is a lot like yours (kid part anyways). . . . you inspire in so many ways. . .
OH, I moved my car. . .I half cover the street all the time. you made me feel bad about it–my street is all ice after a snow, for weeks! :o) I wasn’t being lazy, just trying not to bust my own ass (or that of my toddler who insists on jumping out of the truck everytime now.
Phew… That’s a great post. I can’t say that I would even know where to start. But, pretty powerful stuff. There’s a very selfish part of me (the runner) that is living for today. Then, there is a very unselfish part of me (the dad/husband) that is living for tomorrow. I hope I have the best of both.
I really like your list! Great post!