Archives for March 2007
All around my house are arrangements of flowers that were sent with best wishes. As the white trucks came and went, I pulled the card from the newly arrived arrangements to glance at the sender’s name. “Who is this?” I thought as, on most occasions, the flowers were sent to the house from co-workers of DD or one of Tom’s siblings.
As I search for my tables, hidden by the vast expanse of flowers and greenery, I find sadness instead. The flower arrangements, too fresh to throw out, are a reminder that he is dead but they live on.
On the counter and in the mail box there are piles of sympathy cards from those who I *do* know. The wishes bring me comfort. I think of all of the people who came to the service and those who came to my home. I muster a smile from deep down. Some of the cards have “gifts” inside, and while these too remind me of my loss, it alleviates some of the fear that I won’t be able to handle all of the expenses.
The fear of not being able to make it financially is natural. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t consider it. Still, I was horrified when a man at the post-mass celebration had the nerve to ask if we’d be “staying in the home.” Some people have no manners at all. I wished that I had a bouncer to have him removed from my home.
Keeping the house was one of the few things that Tom and I had time to discuss during his lucid days. As first time homebuyers, we struggled to compete in the housing market to obtain a home large enough for our family and in a neighborhood were we felt safe. The prices of homes in California, in Silicon Valley, are staggering. Our mortgage payment is nothing to sneeze at.
When Tom first got sick, finances were heavy on my mind. I began making budget cuts in anticipation of challenging times ahead. My daily latte was the first to go. One by one, I’ve identified costs to cut to make my income be enough. I’ll make what ever budget cuts I will need to in order to keep the kids here in our the home that Tom has provided. I know that Tom’s family would love for us to move nearer to them, but the kids need this stability. Their world has been turned upside down already.
I’ve begun using Quicken to try to figure it all out. A chill runs down my spine as the cash register sounds with each transaction update that I make. Can I do this? I think I can, I think I can…
It was a new experience for me. I normally avoid getting drunk. I adhere to the 1/2 of beer, or 1 glass of red wine limits and all is well. I’ve been there, done that, and did *not* like it.
But last night, after I drank Shirley Temples at the restaurant while out with Tom’s family, I just went with it. I needed some therapy after totally breaking down in tears when the family began a toast to Tom. “Cheers!” they said, and that was it. I put my head down and cried. It just didn’t feel right to celebrate any longer.
I had to have a little instructional lesson on the “how to’s” of the Irish Car Bomb process.
Surprisingly, I feel just fine this morning. The post memorial numbness is still infusing my head, but that would have been there regardless. Stupid as it was, drinking 5-6 Car Bombs might not have been wise. This morning, when everyone but me slept through Lucky Dog’s desperate bark to be let outside, I was thankful to be able to function.
Poor Lucky was experiencing his own “hangover” from his reckless abandon on the garbage cans that he knocked over while we were out. Leftovers from about 100 people must have had him busy for hours. The Lucky Dog was feeling it this morning. I let him out 4 times before I just grabbed the leash and took him for a walk. Everyone else slept.
We’re makin’ lemonade. Actually it’s “irish car bombs or wreck or something.” If you haven’t figured it out…I’m DRUNK.
This is Julie’s ghost writer….the one that had to fly from another state to make sure she got good and drunk in order to get through this day…..
We’re sitting here smelling dog farts…drinking Irish Car Bombs (Look it up if you’re interested in what this frightening concoction consists of) and laughing. Julie thought if might be a good idea to try our hand at drunk-posting….what da ya think?
Tonight is the first night that nobody from the extended family stayed here. They all left and went to their hotel rooms for the night. It was strange to be just our family (what’s left of it). It is hard to believe that I will be needing to return to work and make some sense of my life moving forward.
While the children (YaYa and BoBo) were nestled, all snug in their beds, DD and I stayed up and watched a movie. All was well until one of the final scenes. It was a wedding scene and I got hit with the line “’till death do you part.”
I’ve been up ever since, going through stacks of old photos and remembering some fun moments. I realize that morning will be here soon. Actually, it is already here, but I can’t sleep. My head is spinning. So much has already fallen into place for Tom’s mass and celebration of his life. But there is still so much left to do.