A beginner… AGAIN. This morning, as I enter the heated room for a bit of powerful yoga practice, I find that I am not as at home as I used to be. The faces are familiar but the names escape me. Our instructor, an experienced yogi whom I’ve practiced beside a time or two, is new to me as a teacher. His practice is fierce; I expect his class will be the same.

Right off the bat, I tell him about my back, the return of my left sided sciatica, complicated by a healing broken toe on my right foot. It’s an interesting challenge to have but “I’ll modify as needed”, I say. Then I settle in on my mat and try to stay off the self bashing for making excuses before the first pose of the day.

I am a beginner, I tell myself. I leave my ego at the door and practice compassion and self awareness on my mat in a quest to find my yoga. “We don’t ‘do’ yoga”, he says, “we find it.”

Class begins in sukhasana (easy seated pose), a seated position which makes me aware of the asymmetry of my spine due to a mild scoliosis and crazy tightening of my left hamstring and gluteal muscles. I close my eyes and see my spine lengthening up towards the heavens (even if it is not actually doing so). I watch the breaths make their way inside and move deep within (taking me along with them). I acknowledge the tightness, the muscle whimpering and silent cries for help and imagine the muscles loosening, and let the pain dissipate. Then we forward fold. The process starts over…and over… and over.

Soon, class is powered up to full tilt. Virabhadrasana I (warrior I), reverse, open to Virabhadrasana II (warrior II), reverse, straighten front leg, reach forward into Trickonasana (triangle), back to reverse Virabhadrasana II, forward to Utthita Parsvokonasana (extended side angle pose) with an interesting variation which further challenged the oblique muscles… REPEAT with slight variation to deepen the challenge and demand more strength and focus from us yogis.

The sweat rolls down my body, falls into my eyes, and runs down my nose and onto my mat. My muscles shake and I do my best to find my breath again when I notice I am holding on. I fall out, especially when we arrive at the standing poses requiring I find my balance on my right leg such as Garudasana (eagle), Vrksasana (tree pose), and Virabhadrasana III (warrior III). Once again, I turn to my breath as the self bashing starts up. Just breathe, I say to myself, it’ll be over in a minute. Or two, or three… or FOREVER. Ugh!

Before long, I am lying flat on my back in Savasana (corpse pose). I relax and watch as the judgment of being a beginner again melts away. Here, I find yoga and enjoyment in just being me. I am, I say to myself. I am.
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We are our worst critics. I know this to be true. However, the camera doesn’t lie. Photos taken of me before last nights dinner dance brilliantly show the bits of dark chocolate I’ve reached for during the work day in the past many months. The revelation stared me in the eye as I developed the images. It’s now clear: I’m getting fat in my down time.

And it’s not just in my face. I’ve been noticing it around my mid-section and chest as well. Even worse, I can FEEL IT. The sluggish, heavy sludge does not feel good day in and day out. 

Well, I refuse to sit idly by and let that happen. It’s time to take action. I may not be able to run right now, but there are plenty of things that I can do which I am not.

• I can go for short walks now. I walked a mile during my lunch on Tuesday and my foot seemed to tolerate it okay. 
• I can peddle on the spin cycles at the gym. I tried this a few weeks ago and found that as long as I didn’t do standing climbs, but stayed down in saddle, I was okay. Of course I only did 30 minutes but it’s been a couple of weeks.
• There’s no reason I can’t do weights.
• I can stop reaching for the salty chips and sweets. 
• I can ask for your support and encouragement. I NEED IT.

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When I was young, I was taught to treat others as I wished to be treated. I was told that this “golden rule” would insure that people would treat me well. Growing up, I learned this to be not quite as true as I had hoped. Yet, I continue to strive to treat others as I wish to treated. Now, as I go through my yoga teacher training, I read about the yamas (an ethical code of conduct for yogis and the like minded). First on the list of yamas is “ahimsa” which reminds us to practice nonviolence to ourselves and to others. Furthermore, it urges us do good, even to those who do not do good in return.

Every day, when I roll out my mat, I practice compassion with myself. My practice is a mix of poses which are easy (but not too easy), challenging (but not too challenging). I practice being kind and accepting to myself and in turn am kind and accepting to others when I am off the mat. It is good.

Occasionally, however, we are faced with someone who has found fault with you. They are unkind and not accepting of you as a person. What do you do? How do you do the right thing but not get walked on?

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Final exams are now behind us and YaYa’s gown now hangs in the spare bedroom awaiting the big day. It’s been a long journey up to this juncture in his education filled with angst and drama, struggle and lost sleep. More times than I can count, I have questioned my choice to move him to such a challenging academic environment, wondering if the bar was set too high for him. Today, like at the end of each of the past few years, I am filled with pride in him for his dedication to find his way. I know it will serve his future years well.

Still, I find myself repeating to myself “it’s only middle school.” Until now, I thought this was so that I didn’t make such a big deal of it that I’d have nothing left for high school graduation and college. But that’s not it at all. I now realize my reminding myself that this is only middle school graduation is my way of reassuring myself that he’s not leaving me empty-nested just yet.

We’ve been together, just he and I, almost since the day Tom died: supporting, comforting, and sometimes arguing. And although I would be happy to leave the stress of getting him to where-he-needs-to-be behind, I am not ready to let go of the where-we-are-right-now. 

So, I embrace this moment and cherish the moments where I get to embrace my boy who is growing up way too fast. This is only “middle school” graduation. There are still four more years ahead of us.