Musical Mumblings

We were driving down the road, making our way from the freeway towards our hiking getaway for the day. Lately, it feels like our time together has been accompanied by others. We needed this alone time.

At the light, he fumbled with his phone, changing the music from Black Keys to a completely different genre. He turned it up as we began to roll again, the soulful lyrics caught my attention.

He began singing along…

I, I’m so in love with you

Whatever you want to do is all right with me

‘Cause you make me feel so brand new

And I want to spend my life with you

My heartbeat began to quicken. Could this be…something more than just music playing? Could this be the moment I’d been dreaming of for the past 5+ years?

I listened. Happiness oozed from my every pore.

Let me say that since, baby, since we’ve been together

Loving you forever is what I need

Oh let me be the one you come running to

I’ll never be untrue

Then, it hit me. I shook myself out of the daydream and back to reality. This was just him singing a song that he liked. This was NOT a proposal in the making.

Quickly, I turned my head towards the window and pushed back the tears. Focusing on my breath, I found my way back to the sweetness of the moment — for there was something here in the this moment for me to enjoy. I just had to let go of the dream and be happy to just be together with the one I love….

…for as long as it lasts.

 Oh let’s, let’s stay together

Lovin’ you whether, whether

Times are good or bad, happy or sad, alright, oh yeah

Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

Times…they are a-changin’

A couple of months have passed since I published my last blog post; we have experienced a lot of changes. BoBo completed his commitment with the Air Force and is now living at home full-time  for the first time in 7 years. Meanwhile, YaYa has moved to the public high school and is now sleeping at normal hours on school nights.

As with any time of significant change, there has been adjustments to the good and not-so-good (pros and cons) of change. For the most part, all is well.  In all probability, all is well. It’s the demons in my head that are not well. The ones that remind me that BoBo got into LOTS of trouble while attending the school which I have moved my YaYa to.

YaYa is making new friends and wanting independence. Unfortunately, I have only met one of these new friends — and I do not know if the feeling of unease I am experiencing is valid or just the old pain of nearly losing my son to drugs and violence being awakened.

I’m scared.


I remember being told that I could have anything I wanted — I just had to want it bad enough. Those words motivated me into action and I landed one of ten spots in the then-impacted nursing program.

Now, years later, I watch my son struggle to make grades at his rigorously academic private high school. Up ’till well past midnight every night of the school week, his body is left worn out and vulnerable by the week’s end. I begin to wonder if wanting is enough — no matter how much want there is.


I prayed for him — to the God I was raised to believe in and to all the other gods I’ve come to learn about as well. And to no avail; in the end, it was just not good enough.

So now we gear up to return to the public school system that told me in my hour of need that they just didn’t have the resources to support my son. That was my firstborn — but it was also before the slew of budget cuts that have impacted the public schools.

I am doing my very best to push off the sadness and stay positive as we make this transition.

coming home

Four years ago, I was biting my nails and saying my prayers as my firstborn prepared to ship out for boot camp. His 4 year commitment to the USAF felt eternally long — and I wasn’t sure how I would do always wondering if he was okay.

C & R on Seal Beach - 11.2014

Those 4 years are now behind us and we are in the process of making up for lost time: thankful to have him home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas after being  without him for the past many years. I feel so blessed that he has come home safe.

There is so much to tackle and, thankfully, much more time in which to do it.

While I am now adjusting to the extra boost of testosterone in the household, his waking hours that don’t line up well with my go-to-bed-early-wake-up-even-earlier schedule, and having to verify that the toilet seat is down before I sit…I am content in being able to open the door to his room and verify that he is safe in his bed,  happy that I can call or text him at anytime and generally receive a response back in a reasonable timeframe, and that I am able to say “I love you” in person.

It’s the little things and the BIG, the tough moments from the past in contrast to the ones in the here and now, that make you realize just how wonderful each moment is. My son has come home to me safe and sound!!! I am so blessed.

the journey continues…

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