This is a call for help — though NOT an emergency. You see, the reason for my distress is of my own doing. Therefore, I am the one to redirect the path I am on.
It should be done quickly as the next Spartan Race is now only a month away.
I MUST get back on the ropes, monkey bars, lifting, carrying, hiking and running track. I must do it SOON or else the next race is not going to be any where near as fun as the last one was.
It would be an exaggeration to say that I couldn’t do anything without theMAN. In many ways, my venture into Spartan/OCR events was an exercise in standing on my own. Besides being nervous about doing the 8-10 mile event with YaYa that summer, I think a part of me needed to reclaim a little confidence and independence as well.
On one hand, I was scared of taking on that experience (volunteering AND the race) all by myself. On the other hand, I was excited and a little empowered to go it alone.
Sometimes, you have to stand all alone just to prove that you can still stand.” -Unknown
It was at that first Spartan experience where I lost my car parked in a dark grassy field, in the middle of nowhere, on a rainy night, with no cell reception after my volunteer shift. When I finally found my car, I realized that I couldn’t find my way to my AirBNB without cell service (which I didn’t get for quite some time driving). On race morning, I was scared sh!tless to jump into the starting corral all by myself to take on that race. But I did it anyway. I had no idea what I was doing or how I’d manage, but I had a desire to prove to myself that I was indeed capable.
We’re now 2 months into the friendship thing and I am beginning to feel okay about it. I can’t explain it but it is similar to finishing that first Spartan Race and realizing that I had what it took to make it through — learning how to ask for help when needed while discovering my own strength and agility for the rest. It’s pretty damn cool to realize that you can stand alone and still be okay.
I used to think TGIF as the weekend approached but now I think oh God, it’s Friday (OGIF).
It’s another quiet night in my little universe. Funny, I used to enjoy the quiet moments of solitude. These past few weeks, however, it’s all I can do not the eat everything in sight and/or crawl into bed before the sun sets. Fortunately, the rest of my day’s eating is mostly on point. With last weekend being our Spartan weekend, I forgot how pathetic my Friday nights — and Saturday nights — are since changing “-ships” from relation to friend. It sure was nice to spend the weekend with my brother and sister.
The void I have been experiencing over the past many months, when filled with me helping my sons, aren’t bad. I’d become accustomed to being more present for them than not in the 6-10 months that led up to this latest change. And it was good to be so free to help them out. It was when they didn’t need me that I struggled. That’s when I felt like I hadn’t any purpose in life. We need purpose, you know. I certainly do.
Our dog, Simba became my new best friend during that time as well. These days, we spend even more time together. He’s a real trooper. When I lay my head on him and start to cry, he dutifully stays put until I am done. I am grateful for his loyalty.
At the same time, the void makes me realize the error in my ways. There should have been more time spent with others besides theMAN and my sons. I could kick myself for allowing so much distance to come between my girlfriends and me over the past 10 years. Moreover, I feel like I’d lost a my autonomy to the relationship. He never asked me this of me; this is my own doing. I’m sort of finding myself and my purpose all over again. I hope, that when ever I enter into another relationship, that I will hold onto my identity separate from them. It now feels important.
Even my FB “friends” feel disconnected somehow. I know it’s my imagination, for theMAN and I haven’t shared the news with many people, but I somehow feel like all of the friends that were “ours” are now, or will soon only be, “his” and that saddens me. They’re great people and it will be huge loss for me.
I know in time I’ll find my way but tonight, I’m flailing.
I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before giving up on the hope that I would be blessed with more sleep. It wasn’t even 5 am yet. It’s been this way for several days now. The rain falls on my rooftop while thoughts flood my mind and tears fill my eyes. I make some coffee, respond to the important work emails, and confirm that today is a “moon day” [there is a new moon in the skies, therefore the ashtanga yoga will be cancelled today]. All the more reason to return to sleep. *sigh*
A short while later, I power up my iPad to watch Friends on Netflix. Comedic relief surely would be the answer. But this morning, as I watch Phoebe’s wedding, I think of the reason for the slow demise of my sweet relationship with theMAN I have loved so much for the past 10 years. I laugh, then cry as I watch the show.
We knew at the beginning of this relationship that it might end this way; I was set on marriage while his belief in marriage had been destroyed. Even so, I didn’t want to miss out on seeing where the relationship would go. There were times, when I was sure he’d change his mind seeing how much I loved him, and he loved me. But when he firmly announced that he would NEVER remarry, my heart was crushed. As the years followed, my need for acceptance seemed to be erecting a wall of protection between us as I tried to find independence once again. I could not allow myself to “need” him anymore. At the same time as I was rebuilding my identity, he seemed to be going through changes of his own. His teaching picked up, which left him spent and short on patience by the time we were able to spend time together.
Long story — short: we finally acknowledged the fact that we have become “friends” more than lovers. So that’s now what we are calling ourselves.
Actually, it’s NOT like back when I went to high school. There wasn’t any balloons or sign or other creative gesture back when I was asked to go to my high school prom. I simply was asked if I would go.
This was how YaYa did it. The idea stems from image in the movie “Up.” The sign says, “Would you be Up for going to the prom with me?”
Of course, she said, “yes.”