It was midway through our training and my emotions were hitting rocky territory. The partner work displayed my obvious struggle to inhale deeply. “Wow,” he said, “that is telling.” I knew it. The corset-like tightening that comes whenever I try to fully fill my lungs with air is something that I have yet to break free of. The more I try, it seems, the tighter the cinch becomes, inducing frustration and often panic.
We broke for lunch after the discussion, creating an opportunity for further dialogue should I want it. Cautiously, I approached Jenn. I wanted her to share her opinion on the matter yet suspected it would unleash further emotion. That, it did.
Knowing the answer, she asked if I ever felt abandoned. “Oh yeah,” I answered. We talked briefly on this topic before she went on. She inquired if I had feelings of continually being let down. Again, she didn’t need me to answer. She suggested that this let down was the root of my deep-seated drive to control everything, do everything…so as never having to rely on someone to do something for me that might result in my being let down when they fail to come through for me. My next step, she said, was to learn trust again, to receive, and to let others do for me.
So today, 2 weeks later, I sit in meditation and watch the offending moments of my life flash before me…