I watched the drips of sweat fall one after another from my face and shoulders. They fell to my yoga mat like teardrops falling. They were big, and plentiful, and full of an overflowing of emotions I was ready to be done with.
What a night, no what a week it has been. So much pain and worry has filled my days and nights. Sometimes it feels like it is coming at me from all directions. It finally took it’s toll and left me weeping miserably with a migraine that lasted into the wee hours of the morning. By morning the migraine was gone, but I was too spent to rush off to join my friends and the local triathlon club for a bike ride. Yet, my need for some sort of outlet drew me to yoga.
Throughout this morning’s class our yoga instructor had us working with breath. Incorporating the breath work into our flow-based movement from pose to pose, we breathed in good while releasing bad. It was just right for where I was at. Breath in self-love and forgiveness. Breath out criticism and blame. I worked the flow and breath and reflected on how hard it is to forgive yourself for your own mistakes or wrongdoings. Tears mixed in with my sweat and splattered on my mat. The class was packed, as it has since New Years, but no one seemed to notice. Nor did I care.
But class was just getting going….
We moved into Warrior II and breathed in stability and strength. My pose took on a fierceness. Then I exhaled, my body softened as I released boundaries and excess responsibility.
As class went on, the instructor spoke of love as it relates to the coming Valentine’s Day. It is the season of media-defined expression of love. Acknowledging the energy, I released my resistance to it. Today’s work would be on loving oneself — something that I often forget but could really use.
Toward the end of class, I pulled my legs in tight to my chest and give myself a virtual hug. We went into savasana and I let the tears come. I’m sorry. I’m so, so very sorry for the pain that I often cause myself. I’m so, so very sorry for always thinking the worst. I’m so, so very sorry for not eating breakfast.
Even after all that release, I remained very unsettled. I followed the class with a run… and the run with a meditation. By the time I’d done all of that it was evident that things were just not right in my little head. As I walked past my friend and favorite yoga instructor, she stopped me to ask what was up. A few words and a tearful hug later… my beautiful world was coming back into focus.
I find people who are self sacrificing rarely love themselves. It starts from the inside, eh?
It sure does.