Once again, I have allowed myself to get overwhelmed with having to do it all — but NEVER quite being able to get it ALL done. I experience this feeling more often than I care to admit. My house never seems to be clean, the laundry never finished, bills left unpaid, yard work in need of attending to, broken items to be fixed, and on and on. I know that I am not alone on this. But sometimes, it cripples me – and I get nothing done. Nothing at all.
Stronger still is a bit of shame for still (after a 4 year of adjustment period) not being able to get myself and YaYa to our various commitments. I hold my breath waiting for the reminder that I was the one who signed up for these things. Always, we are running late for school. Always, I am left begging other parents to get MY son to football, basketball, or baseball practices and games. ALWAYS… *sigh* The list goes on.
It is in these moments that I feel all alone. I think back to times where, perhaps in the middle of a big argument, I thought that I could do it all…ALONE. Today, I know better. Today, not only do I know that I cannot do it all, at least not well, I also know that I don’t want to.
I am a people person. I thrive on communication. In fact, my absence from FB and Twitter has left me starving for input. What’s more, tomorrow I will be hitting the pavement for 20 more lonely miles. Honestly, I’m tired of it. I think about how I dreamed running Boston would be. How my whole family would be there with me, cheering, taking in the sights, sharing in this dream come true. But alas, now that I’ve finally qualified, my people have moved on. It’s kind of sad.
I want to believe that life (MY life) is good. But these moments of futile thinking keep cropping up.
Soon, perhaps in the morning, the rain is going to stop falling, the sun is going to come out, and I am going to see things with a lot more clarity. Then, I will see that I am NOT alone in this world. Until then, TGIF.
It’s been a long week.