Keeping Pace

Keeping Pace

Archives for April 2010

Off like a herd of turtles

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The alarm sounded but I didn’t leave my bed after turning it off. Instead, I stayed put and watched the trees sway outside my window. It’s was nice to not have to worry about being on schedule. I took my time getting ready and, after a long while, I was off like a herd of turtles.

Today’s run was the same as last weekend’s only I parked an additional half-mile away from the open space to insure my final long run for Big Sur would be at least 20 miles.

About 10 minutes into my run, I realized the significance of the day but there was no sadness that came with the awareness.  Instead, I took in the memory and was happy to have had it.

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drink it in

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Have you ever noticed how babies seems to drink in the world around them? They take it all in with as much intensity as drinking the milk that nourishes their body. As they grow they are taught how to focus which, in turn, teaches them to block out the things that are not immediately of importance in what they are doing. And as adults, the hustle and bustle leads to people running from place to place with such routine that they almost don’t remember how they got to where they are. When you think about it, it’s kind of sad.

Think of all the wonderful things that are so easily taken for granted. If you were to open up all of your senses, what would you cherish?

Here are a few of the many things that I’ve enjoyed lately:

  • Salivating at the smell of onions cooking.
  • The amazing way you feel when looking into admiring eyes.
  • The rhythmic crunching sound my shoes make on a trail run.
  • Stopping mid-run to take in the amazing view.
  • My legs working the ascent.
  • Giving a friendly embrace and feeling the other let go of just a little of their pain.
  • The pride on my son’s face after placing a high-scoring word on the Scrabble board.
  • A single drop of sweat rolling down my back.
  • Singing in the shower.
  • The joy of the descent.
  • Listening to a married couple of many years story-tell in tandem.
  • The rainbow that follows a good rain.
  • Listening to the silence in the early morning.
  • Dark chocolate
  • Standing in the cold ocean.

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medal of honor

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A lot of medals have been draped around my neck in the past years. Some are more special to me than others. For some, it is the design that makes them special. Others, it is more about the race and my performance that makes the medal a medal of honor.

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For better or worse

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Things aren’t always as they appear. Sometimes they are worse than you expect and other times surprisingly better. You just never know. I’ve certainly learned this lesson in the past few years.

Where most people are concerned, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. This, I suppose follows my efforts to not pre-judge (something carried on from last year’s season of lent). Once you let me down, however, it’s hard (but not impossible) to get back my trust. This isn’t to say that I won’t forgive you. That’s a whole other thing in my book.

When it comes to my son, BoBo, whom I love more dearly than life itself, it is myself that is left trying to earn back the trust. Truly, I feel like I failed in providing him with the guidance that he so badly needed in the year following his father’s death. I know that I did my best but, sadly, my best was not good enough. And I realize that I was crippled by my grief to a certain extent. But I also know that the way that Tom and I parented was truly a joint effort that worked well when we were both able to contribute. After he died, my parenting style did not fulfill the need.

I have to wonder if I am any more equipped to parent him now than I was 3 years ago for my boy has asked to return home (until he enters into the military). I am so scared that he might mess up all the progress that he has made in these past 2 years under my watch. Additionally, although I have had many fears about BoBo’s entry into the armed forces, I an equal amount of fear about him not going in. There are a lot of dangers in the world today. Sometimes I feel like the front lines are within miles of my home.

After talking to his uncle, I have learned that although BoBo has made friends on the island, his friends there are distanced for numerous reasons. Even more compelling was hearing how much he misses his younger brother and me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised; BoBo has told me this. And his uncle feels he has grown up a lot and is better equipped to do what is right when everyone else is doing the opposite. He also feels that BoBo remains motivated to create a future for himself that is better (not worse).

So, we’ll see…but not until after the quarter ends.

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