Archives for January 2010

Recently, I have wondered if my wedding ring has been sending the message that I am Off Limits.  A year ago, when I moved it to my right hand, I figured that I was making it clear that I was single.  However, I have since noticed that there are a large population of married folks who wear their wedding bands on their right hands.

Lil Sis suggested that I place my ring on a necklace and wear it around my neck.  I tried it on for size but my trial lasted all of 12 hours.  The little circle looked so insignificant hanging sideways and I worried that it might somehow break free and be lost forever.  Sometimes, it feels like I have so little left; I can’t afford to lose this too.

This morning, like the majority of my mornings of late, I lie in bed ignoring the signs of day coming through the window. Not forgetting the fact that my long run is way overdue, I shut off the alarm and returned to bed. Rolling over and pulling the blanket up farther, I willed myself back to sleep. This was not because I needed more sleep but rather because I didn’t want to face the day. Sadly, I’ve felt this way a lot lately.

By 8:30 am, I was awake once more, so made I way downstairs for coffee. It doesn’t seem to do much these days but it does help — even if just a little.

We managed to arrive at the 9:30 am mass just as the first song was being sung. Standing in my little pew at the back of the church, I glanced the front of the church to see Father Bob and immediately felt better.  Of the 3 priests, Fr. Bob is my favorite.

When I first visited this church, it was Fr. Bob whose words drew me back week after week — until I called the church mine. Then month after month, we would sit in the pews: Me with tears streaming down my cheeks and YaYa holding my hand or patting my back. At church, we sing, we pray, and we say hello to Tom.

It’s been weeks since I’ve managed to attend church. Although the days of crying through mass are rare, today was a day of many tears. As I sat, stood, kneeled, and cried, I realized that another cycle in my grief journey is approaching. Three short years ago, was when Tom began complaining of neck and shoulder pain.

Sifting through my old blog entries today, I noted that I only blogged about running. You’d never know what else was going on in my life.  Although I let it slip that I had cried all the way to work for some unmentioned reason, it wasn’t until the 1st trip to the ER that I mention anything about the reason for my being chronically tired. It’s funny that I feel equally as tired these days.  Even after the 2nd visit to the ER, I mentioned very little about what was going on.  And still the blogosphere reached out to me.

Compassion was what Fr. Bob spoke of today: Giving and receiving.  One thing that came to mind was YOU.  It was more than a little compassion when perfect strangers posted photos all over the blogosphere for me; it was overwhelming.  So too was the compassion that came from people in the community who banned together to offer support in other ways.

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