Six weeks ago the family started attending weekly bereavement support groups. Since today’s session will be the final in the 6-week series, our group was asked to think about our grieving and how the sessions have impacted the process.
I looked back through my blog to get a sense of how far I have come. Even after looking, it is difficult to see any real changes. Sometimes others can see your progress better than you can.
Take my son for example:
In thinking about the assignment, I asked YaYa for his thoughts on attending group. His face changed to one of torment. He told me that he didn’t like it much. He said that he didn’t like talking about his Dad, and that it was easier when he just didn’t remember it. I reminded him that he *did* remember it; he had nightmares all of the time, and he was always on the verge of tears with his brother and I. He did not agree with my view.
I asked YaYa why he chose to write the story of how his Dad died if he did not want to remember. He couldn’t tell me. Instead he asked if he could put the story on his blog. So we did that last night. Thanks to those of you who have left encouraging comments for YaYa. He needs the feedback as much as I do.
As for me, I am aware of subtle changes. I can see that my clock displays the date of 17 October 2007, yet I am not feeling the impending doom of the coming of the 21st (the monthly anniversary date) as I previously did.
My sense is that I have reached the beginning of “acceptance” or, more aptly put, the awareness that Tom is not ever coming back. I don’t like it, but it is a fact. I have accepted that much.