This morning I put the Lucky dog outside and kissed him on the nose as he huddled inside of his igloo. Then the family backed out of the driveway into the darkness of the early morning. A light rain mixing with the light from the cars blurred my vision of the road slightly. I had to reach for the glasses that I wear for night driving.
After dropping the last child off at school, I continued my trek to work. There now was daylight to light the way, but it was still gloomy. I thought of my friend Lisa, who moved from California to Washington only to discover that she suffers from season affective disorder (SAD).
Then I thought of Tom…
Tom’s depression was certainly more exaggerated in the winter. But there were more reasons for his sadness besides the weather. He had experienced so many losses in winters past. He had so much pain and suffering that was uprooted each winter. I had wanted to help him, but was at a loss for how to do this. This winter, I hope that he has found peace.
I was half way to work when I became aware of the dull ache in my heart. As I watched my windshield wipers move across the window, I wondered if I would be destined to suffer the same sadness as Tom. I sure hope not. I long for the day when I realize that my days are generally happy again. I want my children have achieve the same happiness. I am okay with this winter being gloomy but, come spring, I want my life to bloom again – even if only a single bloom.
As I neared the freeway exit, I thought of my new job. Tom was always so negative about my career move to the pharmaceutical industry. He liked that I wasn’t an intensive care “stress case” (always bringing the intensity of the hospital home with me). He also liked that I was home in the evenings, weekends and holidays. He liked the salary that it brought too. He did NOT like what his perception of “drug companies” told him. It told him that I sold out when I left nursing.
I have to admit that in the last year, I was not real excited about what I was doing. My nursing knowledge was fading away from lack of use and I was bored. I’d lost my drive.
Now, I am learning again and my medical knowledge is being re-awakened. Although I am still working in pharma, I know that Tom would be proud of my latest career move. And *that* makes me happy.