It’s Wednesday (aka “hump day”). I guess it is fitting that my support group occurs on this weekday as it serves to get me over another hump. This week was pretty benign, meaning there were no tears, no big out pouring of feelings, just a discussion on how the week went after last week’s intense session.
In the kids’ room, the energy work shifted from the feelings of grief to accepting the loss. “Acceptance” apparently is a noisy process. The sounds from the children boomed through the walls. A bit later, they could be seen through the window dressed in their armors of aluminum foil. I could see, and hear, YaYa from where I sat. On the front of him was a sign with a few words on it: friends, brothers, smile, stupidity. I wondered what it all had to do with acceptance.
We returned to our own session for an exercise on breathing. Afterwards, the facilitator asked us how it was for us. The she asked us, “If you could tell your husband one thing, what would it be?” The fact that I love him is obvious and I am certain that he knew it. I said that I would tell him, assuming that he might be looking down at me, that although it seems like I am doing okay, that I am still missing him a lot.
I also said that I still cry on the way to work, but that I noticed that it was different. She asked me to elaborate. I really couldn’t put words to it. I told her that months ago it felt like I was falling apart and that I had no control. Now, when I cry, I know that by the time I get to work it will be over. I will wipe away the tears and go about my day. Could this be the start of acceptance? I’d like to think so. It could also be the calm before the storm. The holidays *are* coming.
On the drive home, I asked YaYa about his grief-work. He couldn’t remember what the costume resembled, but he said that the words were things that keep him safe. I had to wonder why “Mom” wasn’t listed, but “stupidity” was. Could it be that the words were synonymous in his world?
That was what I wondered as I sprinkled nutmeg on the turkey burgers instead of seasoning salt. BoBo said that they were delicious. They actually were quite good. I was proud that I’d finally gotten it together enough to have a decent meal. Tonight, for a change, we weren’t having soup, sandwiches, corndogs, or fast food.
One step at a time. Eventually, we will get over that hump.