Archives for March 31, 2007

When Tom was ill, the washing machine was always running. It seemed that I had let the dirty clothes pile up in the closets. I suppose, even before we knew we were dealing with cancer, I was over my head with the household chore and life balance. The family visitors managed to find every item of clothing and get it laundered. The assistance was huge.

But now, when I find myself awake at 2 am, I wish that I had something of Tom’s that still smelled like him instead of detergent. I cuddle with his bathrobe at night and get a little closer to comfort. It’s nothing like having the real thing – of course.

It is strange, but not really, that I am generally okay during the daytime. I keep busy doing what I feel like I should do. The day passes quickly and I feel success in checking off the things that I have accomplished in the day. It is in the evening, when Tom would finally be coming through the door for dinner, jokes, and some down time with the family that I feel the loss the most.

It all seems the same – BoBo does his homework as quickly as he can so that he can chat on the computer. YaYa can’t wait until he can run down the street to Brendan and little Connor’s house to play. It seems the same but it is NOT.

BoBo pushes our buttons with his usual teen stuff, only it is more charged, and if we react from one too many buttons being pushed, he angers. We are the jerks, and he is innocent. We ALL lost someone we love, not just him. Not just me.

YaYa has returned to school. His teacher says that he isn’t as quiet and is back to his old self. Like DD, YaYa is a good actor. I know that he is not as okay as he seems. He is so much like me. He worries about everyone else so he hides his own emotions to fix theirs. But I see past the performance and he lets down his guard a little. We talk of Tom being in heaven. “He’s playing games with David and his Mom and Dad,” YaYa reports. He’s probably right. “I bet they are having a huge game of Scrabble” I say. We both smile.

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