Archives for March 27, 2007

All around my house are arrangements of flowers that were sent with best wishes. As the white trucks came and went, I pulled the card from the newly arrived arrangements to glance at the sender’s name. “Who is this?” I thought as, on most occasions, the flowers were sent to the house from co-workers of DD or one of Tom’s siblings.

As I search for my tables, hidden by the vast expanse of flowers and greenery, I find sadness instead. The flower arrangements, too fresh to throw out, are a reminder that he is dead but they live on.

On the counter and in the mail box there are piles of sympathy cards from those who I *do* know. The wishes bring me comfort. I think of all of the people who came to the service and those who came to my home. I muster a smile from deep down. Some of the cards have “gifts” inside, and while these too remind me of my loss, it alleviates some of the fear that I won’t be able to handle all of the expenses.

The fear of not being able to make it financially is natural. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t consider it. Still, I was horrified when a man at the post-mass celebration had the nerve to ask if we’d be “staying in the home.” Some people have no manners at all. I wished that I had a bouncer to have him removed from my home.

Keeping the house was one of the few things that Tom and I had time to discuss during his lucid days. As first time homebuyers, we struggled to compete in the housing market to obtain a home large enough for our family and in a neighborhood were we felt safe. The prices of homes in California, in Silicon Valley, are staggering. Our mortgage payment is nothing to sneeze at.

When Tom first got sick, finances were heavy on my mind. I began making budget cuts in anticipation of challenging times ahead. My daily latte was the first to go. One by one, I’ve identified costs to cut to make my income be enough. I’ll make what ever budget cuts I will need to in order to keep the kids here in our the home that Tom has provided. I know that Tom’s family would love for us to move nearer to them, but the kids need this stability. Their world has been turned upside down already.

I’ve begun using Quicken to try to figure it all out. A chill runs down my spine as the cash register sounds with each transaction update that I make. Can I do this? I think I can, I think I can…

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