Sunday, after logging my run, I felt a smattering of excitement run through my awareness. My planned workout was a little short, but I was satisfied with how I’d done.

The workout was originally scheduled to occur Thursday (after a day of rest) rather than on Sunday (after a long run). Sometimes, life requires a little juggling of workouts.

My warm up was 1.75 miles. Afterwards, I launched into the first of two 3 mile repeats. Garminia displayed my pace right on target however, the time for a complete mile on the track came out a bit slower than Coach Jeff had asked for. It was close enough for me.

I rested for 5 minutes prior to starting the next interval. The effects of yesterday’s long run came into play. I could feel the fatigue building with each lap around the track. I ran 1.25 miles on the track and decided that I’d run the long way home to finish off the repeat.

That was my initial thought but, as I headed in the opposite direction of home, my body began protesting louder. I stopped and thought hard.

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From my hotel room window it was evident that the sun was already retiring for the day. It’s been a series of long days. Tomorrow will be the worst day of all (starting at 0730 EST and retiring at 2300 PST). There was no doubt in my mind; I *had* to get my run in today. I quickly changed, strapped Garminia to my left wrist, and was out the door.

In the front of the hotel a chilly breeze sent a chill up my spine. I pulled my long-sleeve shirt from my waist and put it on. Then I walked toward the street to check out the streets. Everywhere I looked the sidewalk was packed with people. The streets were busy too. I imagined myself having to dodge in and out trying to get in the planned 5 mile run.

I stepped back and gave it some thought. That was when I spotted Adele. She was waiting for the DC After Dark Tour Bus. It sounded like a great way to see some of what we’ve been missing – anything would be more than I’ve seen during this trip. While I thought my run would remedy some of that, it wasn’t looking good.

Then, as Adele and I were talking, I saw a runner coming up the driveway. I excused myself and ran to tap him on the shoulder. I asked him how his run was and proceeded to tell me that he’d headed up the road to a park. The park was small (about 1/4 mile around) and he was dodging people the entire time. He was clearly frustrated. That’s when I knew that the treadmill was my best bet.

I stepped back and gave it some thought. That was when I spotted Adele. She was waiting for the DC After Dark Tour Bus. It sounded like a great way to see some of what we’ve been missing – anything would be more than I’ve seen during this trip. While I thought my run would remedy some of that, it wasn’t looking good.

Then, as Adele and I were talking, I saw a runner coming up the driveway. I excused myself and ran to tap him on the shoulder. I asked him how his run was and proceded to tell me that he’d headed up the road to a park. The park was small (about 1/4 mile around) and he was dodging people the entire time. He was clearly frustrated. That’s when I knew that the treadmill was my best bet.

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It was only noon in California and I was worn out. Of course I’d gotten up before 5 am to catch a flight to Dulles. By the time I arrived at my hotel in Arlington, it was closer to dinner than lunch. I’d had neither. And although I’d talked running on the plane with Lisa (my neighbor to the right), my plans for a easy 5 miler were quickly fading away.

I looked out my hotel room to view the foreign city. In the distance, I could see an enchanting brick building. I’d love to run there. But in the immediate area there were high buildings and an already darkening sky.

I perused the hotel services book. I was in luck; the hotel had a gym. According to the book, it was “newly renovated” and had “state of the art equipment.” I dug through my suitcase to find a 1/2 of a Powerbar (which should have been in my computer bag). After finishing it off, I ordered a shrimp salad and glass of Merlot. Then I caught up on my blog reading.

By the time I left for the gym, I was ready to run off some of my pent up worry and stress. I peered through the window and was surprised at the sight.

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It’s 1 month away from race day and I am a little nervous. The “nervousness” that I feel, however, is not the nervousness that you normally feel prior to a key race. More accurately, it is the lack of nervousness and excitement that brings on my un-ease. This same thing had happened prior to my Chicago Marathon experience. I assumed that this phenomenon was due to my career changes. At the time, I wasn’t worried for two reasons. I knew that my training had been good and that I had peaked appropriately. I also knew that I had my Plan B in my back pocket.

As the California International Marathon (CIM) approaches, I don’t have the same level of confidence in my abilities. The fact that it doesn’t “feel” like I am doing another marathon has changed the “feel” of my training. To me it is becoming obvious that my lack of excitement and the pre-race jitters directly relates to my grieving. The numbness is probably a way of sheltering me from the bad feelings that I would rather not feel day in and day out.

I do *want* to BQ at CIM but, aside from my numbness, I am wondering if I am past my peaking point and on my way over the hill. In my reasoning, I don’t see any reason why I couldn’t peak again. Now would be the time to do it. I didn’t experience any issues coming out of Chicago. Instead of an “A race, Chicago was another not-so-fun long run. The issues with my schedule have led me to skipping critical runs. I need to find importance and generate some enthusiasm for my new goal in order to make the rest of my training what it needs to be. I don’t want to be left wondering if I have what it takes on race day to hit my goal.

So much of race performance hinges on where one’s head is at when they are toeing the line on race day. I wish that I was in a better space right now, but I am not. I hope that in the next month, I can get to where I need to be to have something to celebrate on December 2nd.

I know that, ultimately, it is up to ME to get to the finish within 3 hours and 50 minutes of my crossing the starting line. I count on my friends and family (even strangers) to encourage me by cheering me on. To encourage them, I’ve had a singlet made at the Running Banana showing my name and profile picture on the front and my masthead (blog banner) and host site on the back. If you see me, please say something positive to keep me going.

Nobody can *do* it for me. I know that sometimes my head just isn’t into my training. My BQ is important to me so, I will dig deep to give it a little more. On race day, I’ll give it my best.

I was about 5 minutes into my run when I noticed a familiar feeling. Dread hit me, recalling the absence of restrooms along my path. I refused to go back; it was difficult to break away today and I didn’t want to risk another missed run. I plugging onward, telepathically coaxing my body to hold on.

The friendly attendant in the kiosk waved at me as I ran towards the hill. My legs groaned as the grade immediately steepened. It is hard not to give into walking when you realize that you could probably go just as fast, if not faster, if you were to exchange the run for walking. That always leads to further walking so I avoid it at all costs.

The path rolled downhill for a minute and then resumed the climb, this time on a gravelly old road. I passed a couple who where walking, greeted them and waited for the return greeting. There wasn’t any. I pushed a bit harder, feeling the urge to remedy my issue. I needed to get out of sign. Up ahead there was a runner coming the opposite direction. Hold on, I thought. He passed and I ducked into the only somewhat sheltered place I could find.

With the road in sight, I ducked as low as I could so as not to be seen. I waited, nervous that someone would come. Nothing. I abandoned my efforts and returned to the path. As I continued my run I prayed that my body would continue to hold on until I returned to the office.

Throughout the entire run my pace was cautious. I think it may have been slower than long run pace. Given my challenge of the day, the run was a success.