Keeping Pace

Keeping Pace

Catch me now; I’m falling

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Delicious food, great people, laughter, and chatter filled the room.  At this small family gathering, we celebrated my nephew’s 8th birthday. All the makings for a perfect celebration were there.  That is unless you count the cake: decorated with a Pokemon theme, the message read, “H. 8th B. Mateo.” Even that, made for a great conversation piece.

For the most part, the adults mingled in the front rooms while the kids took over the back of the house. The kids joined us for dinner and cake, then retreated to their room full of toys once more. The youngest of the kids (26 months old) toddled in and out of the room. His parents and Lil Sis were talking about the sleep deprivation of having a toddler, work, and an upcoming vacation.

Meanwhile, a few glasses of wine into the celebration, my defenses went down like a childproof gate for the stairs and I began to tumble.

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a trip down memory lane

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Mom asked me to show her how to sort photos on her Mac. Within minutes, I was knee deep in old photos from my old life. As the good memories came rushing back, memories of sadness and loss were also reawakened. I click – clicked through the photos, sent a few to my online album, and reflected on the past few years.

After a quick trip down memory lane, I let the pain sit and returned to the present to embrace all that is good. Thankfully, there is plenty of good these days.

Like night and day

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Things have been good – really, really good. Yet moments come, and thankfully go, when I am overwhelmed with emotion. The difference is like night and day.

Last night was one of those nights where the smile on my face turned upside down almost as soon as the words “good night” were said. Indeed, I did not want to say good night. I wanted the good to continue all through the night.

As my head was infused with sadness, I wanted more than anything for someone to wrap their arms around me and just let me cry – no explanations needed. But I did not reach out. Instead, I curled up in the darkness with my iTunes and mug of hot water. And I cried my heart out until there was nothing left to do but go back to bed.

By the time the sun came up, I was seeing things in a whole new light. Once again, I see what a very different place I am in from before. I have grown and changed – and it’s all been good. I have so much to be thankful for and really no reason to wallow in sadness. Still, it comes. Thankfully, it goes too.

TGIF

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Although my energy seemed to be completely fizzled out with the end of the workweek, it seemed to rejuvenate on the drive home. I had a whole host of to-do’s by the time I arrived to pick up YaYa.

Church Candles

Our first stop was to the church were we lit candles for Tom and said a few prayers of thanks for another year. I know it’s not quite time but Sundays at the candles always feels rushed. I wanted to allow plenty of time for each of us to take it in however we wished.

We lingered in the church for a bit: admiring the stained glass windows, the wooden pews, and the cross draped in purple.

Back at home, I washed and vacuumed the car, fixed (hopefully) my drip system, and mailed off a couple of bills.

After dinner a friend stopped by and we all played a game of Scrabble. True to form, I scored the lowest amount of points.  For some reason, I cannot wrap my head around Scrabble enough to place those high-point words.

In spite of my weak Scrabble skills, I thoroughly enjoyed the game.  I especially loved to see YaYa’s focus and determination to win this game.  He is a lot like his father.

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How long is long enough?

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In the wee hours of the morning, before the first bird began singing their morning song, I lay awake in bed. My heart chakra ached with a sadness that is unfamiliar. I’ve been aware of this sadness for a few days now but I have an odd relationship to it. This sadness that I’ve been experiencing feels foreign — as if it’s not my pain at all.

This may sound funny to some of you. I’ve no other explaination. It’s as if I am feeling sad because someone thinks that I should be sad. True, there are some days where I am sad…but not lately. Lately, I am happy — very, very happy.

I hit the shower before sunrise. Letting the hot water wash over me, I tried visualizing the sadness leaving. The cleasing came to a hault as questions came to mind: When am allowed to be happy? How long is long enough?

It didn’t take long for me to note that only my answer to these questions matters. I closed my eyes and let the hot water wash it all away.

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