…where would you place your home?
Bedtime Prayers
YaYa came to my room just after midnight and asked if he could lie down in my bed for a while. Wanting to sleep for impacted with a new version of the same questions that have haunted him since his dad died. Death.
What if I don’t wake up? Will I be nothing… with no memory of you, BoBo… my family? Then….?
I think we ask these questions, although few actually come out and verbalize them. I thought of the prayer my parents taught me to say each night before I went to sleep. The words always left me feeling vulnerable rather than comforted. I often wondered if that was the point: keep us in fear so that we would behave ourselves.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Of course, I didn’t want to see my boy in fear of dying… most especially right before he was settling down to sleep. But I was a bit at a loss for what to say other than sharing my own belief of life and death, spirit and everlasting life (whether it be in heaven or through reincarnation). And singing “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music hardly seemed fitting either. So, after listening and trying to comfort him, I handed him my teddy bear and began taking slow, easy breaths. And before long, he was ready to return to his own bed and go to sleep.
All that Grows
Along the trails, there are all sorts of weeds, wildflowers, fungi, and the like. If you travel on the same paths often, you may notice the vegetation as it evolves.
I don’t think a lot of people actually appreciate the subtly of all that grows along the trail but it’s pretty cool to notice. I guess that is one benefit to slowing down in my less-youthful years.
Butterflies
If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. — Unknown
Yearning and Learning
Obviously, my daily photo project is turning out to be a everything-but-daily-photo project. It’s more than just time constraints; it’s also lack of inspiration. To be quite honest, I’m a little overwhelmed with life. I mean, I am certainly happy to wake up to each new day and embrace the fact that my body works – for the most part. I love my boys and cherish the time I have with them.
It’s the other stuff. The tedious daily commute, cooking (when I do), trying to keep my house clean, bill paying, grocery shopping, and other duties that keep me from relaxing… and the J.O.B. Err. Maybe it’s just the latter and none other. I actually enjoy cooking, when I can come home to a clean kitchen and just have at it.
I think back to when I knew that what I did on a day-to-day basis actually touched lives and made a huge impact on the the peoples’ lives it touched. But now, not so much. Now, I yearn for more. I feel like a hamster running on a wheel hoping that my efforts might possibly generate enough energy to turn on a light some where… for someone. Anyone.
If you’ve worked in drug development, perhaps you feel the same.
I often wonder what it would take to go back to bedside nursing, or maybe explore hospice nursing. I think I might find that more enjoyable, in spite of the exhaustion that comes with that inspiration.
But then I wonder if my body and my pocketbook could handle it. And would I have time and energy left to get outdoors and see the colorful flowers and butterflies?
Of course, I am just thinking out loud — taking a leap of faith that nobody will read this and take offense to my ho-hum thoughts on my career. For truly, I AM most grateful for my life and all of my many blessings. I am also learning to accept the things which I cannot change. Yes, I am yearning but I am also learning.