Towards the beginning of Spring, the idea that each of us yogis might use the season of Spring to plant a seed so-to-speak for something big we were creating in our lives. Further to the discussion was the suggestion that sometimes, when we have big plans, we might not be ready to reveal them to others for a time. Although I had this sneaking suspicion that my seed had been sown in my symbolic garden, I hadn’t the slightest idea what growth was in store. I just knew it was BIG. Energetically, I surmised that my mystery seed had indeed been planted and that it would be revealed to me when the time was right.
During a seemingly unrelated one on one session with Jenn, the owner and amazing teacher at my yoga studio, I asked the question: What did she see as the next step for my yoga practice? Simply put, she said for me to grow beyond the physical poses. I found the idea of becoming more spirit and less body while still inhabiting my body intriguing, interesting, and totally right on. That conversation was over a month ago. However, it wast until last Friday that I had any idea how to even start down this path.
It was during Christy’s evening class, where I set an intention to work on just that. I kept it simple: To be more aware of myself as a spirit while I practice in the physical body. I had an feeling that my setting this intention might be a really big thing – bigger than just a single class but I wanted to see what might grow from it.
The class itself was intensely physical and, many times, my body made it very clear that I was still inhabiting it. Yet there were also moments where I felt a hint of connection with a higher self. Much like times I have described about being in church, I became distinctly aware of Tom. Yes, my late husband! This awareness was accompanied by the realization of something long forgotten. How do I say this? I suppose it is simply that Tom and I communicated on more than just a physical level. When he was alive. I don’t know how I could have lost touch with it but somehow, I did. But as I became aware of myself as spirit, I became aware of the part of me that he communicated with. And upon doing so, I flood of emotions overcame me.
I continued to flow through the asanas (poses) as I contemplated the meaning of this reawakened awareness. While lying in savasana, another epiphany came. He really did love me. Suddenly, this was so very clear. I guess I always knew this but given that he hardly ever murmured the words, I guess let doubt creep in. I now wonder how I could let myself get so out of touch with my spiritual being to have lost sight of this fact. Was it some sort of self preservation in the early stages of grief? I do not know. I only know that I would have suffered a whole lot less heart ache if I’d given myself this awareness earlier. I closed my eyes and let the sobs come. Not surprising to me, these sobs have come at some point during every class I’ve taken since Friday. I know it is just part of the process.
I can’t be sure but I think that I might now have an idea of what sort of BIG seed I’ve planted. I think it’s beginning to take root. As it does, my eyes are turning to new things…BIG things…once in a lifetime sort of things. It’s a little crazy but also pretty darn exciting to even entertain.