From self-bashing to self-talk

The same tightness in my throat that led me to changing blood pressure medications last year has returned. The feeling has been plaguing me for months now. There is no rhyme or reason to its onset. It occurs every day but at varying times. Holding my current blood pressure medication or adding allergy medication does seem to make any difference. One thing that does affect it is my emotions.

Last night, while sitting in unusually heavy traffic on the way to my track workout, I was broadsided by a bout of sadness. I wiped away the tears in the parking lot, and did my best to shake it off. I chose to warm up on the track to allow for a bit more time to myself but I was running side by side another runner within seconds. We made small talk and stayed together throughout the warm up period.

Before long, we were breaking into our groups. I questioned whether I was ready to join my usual group but decided I’d give it a try. As usual, the group was off to a speedy running start. We were doing mile repeats x 5-6. I hit the first lap right on target and exceptionally out of breath. I felt my desired pace slipping away as the mile wore on, and began fighting with the return of the sadness. Tired of having my husband’s death be an excuse for my lack of performance, I began cursing myself for my weakness. This was in spite of my knowing that self-induced bashing has never resulted in positive results either.

By the time I hit the 3rd repeat, I was mentally and physically defeated. At this point, I could not hold off the sadness any longer. I walked away from the group as the tears began to flow. Somehow, I pulled myself together long enough to join the group for another mile. This would be my final repeat as I was out of time before I needed to pick up YaYa from football practice. I told myself that I *could* finish it, however poor my performance was. Within the first 200 meters, however, the emotions were taking over. My throat was tightening, which took my mind right back to the first time I can remember this occurring – when my husband was dying. I slowed down and switched from self-bashing to the, more positive, self-talk. I find it ironic that 18 months later, it still feels like my life is slipping away from me (only in a new way). I suppose that I just need to continue the self-talk to get through the hard times – where simple things like breathing are difficult.