Keeping Pace

Keeping Pace

Archives for August 2008

*Yawn*

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It seems that YaYa’s football schedule and the return of school has not only affected my running; it has also affected my writing. I had to read my own blog to refresh my memory on what I’d last written about. It was YaYa’s initial reaction to his new school.

I should point out that he had a part in the decision to change schools. He even spent a day “shadowing” in the spring to help him decide it he liked it. After a day of shadowing, YaYa had declared that the school (his new school) was the “best school ever.”

Change however, even change that you want, isn’t easy. There is all of this nervousness, and second guessing your decision. Fortunately for us, YaYa seems to have remembered why he had wanted to change schools. He is smiling his YaYa smile again.

Tonight, he is nestled all snug in his bed with instructions to sleep in. They are orders, actually. Too many early mornings have necessitated too many early bedtimes. In anticipation of sleeping in past 6 AM, I let the hours tic away and enjoying some time to examine my thoughts. Hopefully, I won’t regret this move. I’ve pulled the shade down in YaYa’s room, but the dogs a factor that I cannot control. This weekend has been over the top on the busy scale, and I am exhausted. *yawn*

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Back to school

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He was quiet as a mouse yet the look on his face spoke volumes. He was scared. I stood by his side, as many of the parents did on the 1st of school. I was thankful that the kids at this new school did not seem to be worried about the un-coolness of having a parent nearby. The parents talked amoungst themselves, while their uniformed kids stood in straight lines like in the children’s book Madeline.

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His new teacher for the year was among the crowd. Bubbling with enthusiasm, she smiled and greeted each child one by one. Right away, she noticed him and introduced herself and asked for his name. Then she introduced him to some of the other boys in the class. Try as he might, his smile would not come out. They walked in two straight lines and, as the entered the building they did not utter a peep.

At the end of the day, I arrived to a daycare center where the kids did not yell but talked in quiet voices. I have to admit, it was a nice change from the previous center, where the loud noise was deafening. When I saw him playing a game all by himself I began to second guess the decision to change schools. But, when I finally asked him how his day he told me about the many kids that he had played with, some who were even on his football team. He talked about the things that the class was going to do in the school year, including a fieldtrip. He sounded excited. He even reported that had homework and, with pride, he noted that he had it partially completed.

When he wasn’t looking, I pulled out his backpack to find the 13-pocket portfolio we were instructed to purchase neatly labeled with the various subjects. There was one page of homework completed in his best handwriting in one of the pockets. He also had a new homework planner which had two assignments neatly recorded beside the corresponding subjects.

One might guess that they don’t fool around at the new school. I had warned my son that the new school would be more challenging accademically. It appears that I was right. I suspect that we might just get our money’s worth out of this investment in his future. By the looks of it, he is up to the challenge.

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Busy Mii

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It’s been too long since my last blog entry. I have been interrupted every time I have sat down to write.

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YaYa’s 10th Birthday (Thursday) turned out very nice. His oldest brother came up from Southern California and spent the day with him. While I was at work, they went out for breakfast and then when bowling. They were all leaving for football practice just as I arrived home to put the lasagna in an oven which was programmed to have it nice and hot by the time we returned home. I set the table ahead of time with a table cloth, Grandma F’s good dishes, and the special candles given to me (from Tom and boys) at the last birthday where our family was intact. Football practice was fantastic – he was moved up to the next string and there were cupcakes to celebrate the coach’s birthday. YaYa had two. We went home for dinner and cake. Then we all played 9 holes of golf in the comfort of my living room – thanks to Wii magic. My cute, Julie-like Mii lost miserably.

On Friday, I attended the funeral of my great aunt. Common to this day, was my knack for feeling lost (whether I truly was or not). The most obvious occurrence was when the funeral procession of cars was interrupted by a single car. Seeing the car, which was unmarked as “FUNERAL,” the police escorts left half the procession to find our own way. It was reminiscent of Grandma’s funeral only, this time, we were left to our own devices as stop lights, freeway changes, coupled with no body knowing the name or address of the cemetery added to fiasco. Lesson learned: Get the name of the cemetery (and address) before going to the car. *sigh* You’d think that we would have learned this from Grandma’s funeral.

The reception that followed was rich in traditional food from Guam, as well as a whole lot of people who had a remarkable similarity to me. Do to a VERY large family (my grandfather was 1 of 10 siblings), I was introduced to A LOT of relatives – some for the 1st time, and many others from many times prior. My phrase of the day was, “Tell me how we are related to each other.” Days later, I am still asking the question as many of my cousins and 2nd cousins hook up on Facebook. It’s a pretty awesome task to try to put it all together.

On Saturday, I was unable to join the “team” for our long run. I was a bit disappointed as this run was to be on the Nike course. Still, I knew when I signed up that training with the team would be difficult. Lucky for me, I know that I can get ‘er done when I need to. I set foot out the door at 6:30 AM and logged 6 of the 18 miles before waking YaYa for football practice. Thanks to some work in my area, my favorite brother was staying at the house and held down the fort while I ran. I hit the streets again at 9 AM for the balance of the mileage. I left YaYa at football, and waved at the coach as I set out to cover ground right from the practice field. I eyed my heartrate carefully after having inhaled my newly prescribed dose of 2 puffs of Albuterol. As I climbed the first long hill I watched in amazement as my heartrate remained at a remarkably low rate.

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From self-bashing to self-talk

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The same tightness in my throat that led me to changing blood pressure medications last year has returned. The feeling has been plaguing me for months now. There is no rhyme or reason to its onset. It occurs every day but at varying times. Holding my current blood pressure medication or adding allergy medication does seem to make any difference. One thing that does affect it is my emotions.

Last night, while sitting in unusually heavy traffic on the way to my track workout, I was broadsided by a bout of sadness. I wiped away the tears in the parking lot, and did my best to shake it off. I chose to warm up on the track to allow for a bit more time to myself but I was running side by side another runner within seconds. We made small talk and stayed together throughout the warm up period.

Before long, we were breaking into our groups. I questioned whether I was ready to join my usual group but decided I’d give it a try. As usual, the group was off to a speedy running start. We were doing mile repeats x 5-6. I hit the first lap right on target and exceptionally out of breath. I felt my desired pace slipping away as the mile wore on, and began fighting with the return of the sadness. Tired of having my husband’s death be an excuse for my lack of performance, I began cursing myself for my weakness. This was in spite of my knowing that self-induced bashing has never resulted in positive results either.

By the time I hit the 3rd repeat, I was mentally and physically defeated. At this point, I could not hold off the sadness any longer. I walked away from the group as the tears began to flow. Somehow, I pulled myself together long enough to join the group for another mile. This would be my final repeat as I was out of time before I needed to pick up YaYa from football practice. I told myself that I *could* finish it, however poor my performance was. Within the first 200 meters, however, the emotions were taking over. My throat was tightening, which took my mind right back to the first time I can remember this occurring – when my husband was dying. I slowed down and switched from self-bashing to the, more positive, self-talk. I find it ironic that 18 months later, it still feels like my life is slipping away from me (only in a new way). I suppose that I just need to continue the self-talk to get through the hard times – where simple things like breathing are difficult.

Back from vacation

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I had mixed feelings about returning to work. I’d left on vacation at a “breaking point” of sorts. My boss, whom I love working with, had been on vacation and the dynamics in the office were just different. I’d spent too much of my time mumbling frustrations under my breath, followed by a personal reprimand for muttering (evening thinking) the thoughts. It wasn’t a pretty picture.

It has nearly been a year since I made the change in my career. I’d like to say that I bring more to my current position than I demand of it. Regardless, I am still relatively new to a role where there is a lot of on the job experience that helps to tease out the black or white from the reports that fall into the gray area. In those final weeks leading up to my vacation, there were just a few too many colleagues second-guessing my work. It’s one thing to watch out for each other to be sure that no one misses critical facts. Had it only been one person checking up on me, I might not have given it another thought. It was, however, three people on each of two separate cases. The fact that we routinely have an MD review all of the cases did not seem to deter the inquiries from coming one, after another, after another. I did not feel trusted, or appreciated and was, therefore, unhappy.

During my vacation, I thought hard on a few occasions about how I generally feel regarding my job. This evaluation would have to include the times when our fearless leader is there to direct us on which way to steer the ship. The answer was that I am generally satisfied.

On Monday morning, I was a bit nauseated on the drive to work. I had a metallic taste in my mouth and tightness in my throat. It was evident that I needed to voice my concerns regarding the weeks prior to my vacation. So I did.

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