Archives for June 24, 2008

People seemed to indicate that the first year of my grieving would be the hardest. Along with this indication was an undertone of reassurance that getting through the “firsts” [1st Father’s Day, 1st Wedding Anniversary, Birthday(s), Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter…] would be hard, but that the seconds, thirds, and so on would be easier. Now that I am having my second helping of these events, I will tell you that they were WRONG. It’s NOT easier. It’s HARDER. Having seconds only further drives the point home that he is gone and he isn’t coming back.

The pain is too intense today. It is his would be 51st Birthday. During the weekend, I was needed for the purpose of helping someone else get through a different flavor of life’s pain. I helped her by allowing her to help me give my living room a face lift in honor of Tom’s birthday. He hated the room almost as much as the bathroom that she help me redo last year. She’s got talant. We shopped, went out for meals, and together we laughed & cried. It was just enough to soften the pain.

Today, however, I find myself at work with too much brokenness to perform much of my tasks. My day began with anger. I muttered negative thoughts at the drivers on the road with me. As the day progressed, my anger evolved into an overwhelming sadness which no amount of responsibility could distract me from.

My head is now throbbing in pain from the pressure of tears that cannot come. I want to go home to curl up on my redesigned room, and sleep away the rest of the day.