My mind is swimming in a wide range of thoughts. I propelled my body through the water for the purpose of touching the wall and turning back again. As the pool floor moves past, the thoughts move in and out. I lose track of my lap count. So much of it is a blur, and yet the feeling isn’t anything new.
I suppose that it is more self protection than anything – this numbness that I so often feel. There is so much going on behind the scenes. Sometimes, I wonder if it would be easier to just leave the curtain up and let it all be exposed. But I swore that I wouldn’t do that.
Instead of letting it all ooze out onto my blog, I have been sharing my secret life with my shrink. She enters it into her notes and, when I am least expecting it, one of my other doctors brings it up. “You have gone through so much”, they say, and they are impressed at how well I have endured.
I really don’t have any other choice. Do I?
I have really tried not to let myself get overwhelmed by the helpings of responsibility that I have loaded up on. It was all my doing, after all. Well the recent helpings were. There is a fine line between keeping busy and too busy. Tonight, I try to wash it all down with a little wine. Perhaps the wine will help me to digest it all.