The morning was somewhat dedicated to my birthday celebration – well, an hour was anyways. In spite of my taking my expectations down a notch from prior years, in addition to some well meaning emails, calls, and gifts, the day has fallen short of what I would call a “celebration.”
I don’t know what I was expecting and I wonder if I had any chance of today being “happy” in the first place. It seems that no matter what anyone does, the voice in my head destroys all enjoyment with a critical judgment.
My special breakfast was an infusion of cholesterol and grease. It was the breakfast that Tom would have wanted, but not what I wanted.
My birthday gifts were wonderful gestures. I received a digital frame and an radio/iPod speaker and alarm clock. The voice in my head has passed criticism on these too. Not only does it not match my room, but I have an alarm clock, and also a speaker system for my iPod. As for the frame, it has to be plugged in.
Honestly, these gifts are great and I should be happy. BoBo was so sure that I’d be thrilled with it. I am disappointed that I am not. I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy them for what they are – gifts. I wonder if I can appreciate anything.
The kids were too noisy and so I let BoBo go out when he asked. Of course he was in no hurry to return. Now I feel unimportant as he keeps coming up with excuses for why I can’t pick him up. His new skateboard is in somebody else’s car but they aren’t where the car is right now. I’m lucky that I can even reach him by phone and he thinks I’m “gay” for “freaking out” all of the time.
I spent so much energy in anticipation of the holidays. I had convinced myself that I would get through them. I did. But, I never prepared for the let down that follows. It’s very similar to when everyone leaves as soon as the funeral is over. Just like that; it’s over and done with. Today is turning out just the same as after Tom’s funeral, or Christmas dinner. My Birthday breakfast and gifts were followed by a rapid exit. I have been left to enjoy my pity party all by myself.
Everyone goes on with their lives while you are left to deal with every feeling that you have pushed aside just to get through the holidays. You see, it doesn’t just end with getting through Christmas day. Even when I took down the dried out Christmas tree, packed up the ornaments, and took down the stockings, the season is just getting going. My birthday is just another reminder of what my life isn’t anymore. New Years is the grand finale and I am petrified.
What will 2008 bring? I am scared to find out. I wish Tom would reach his hand down from heaven so I could hold it as we bring in the new year. I keep chanting, “It has to be better. I just has to.” But there are no guarantees.