Another six-week session of bereavement support group is nearly done. As before, I want to assess how I have progressed. My improvement is not as apparent this time. I feel more broken than before.
Today we talked about grief in a way that is different from the stages presented by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Instead of a linear progression through stages, it was presented as a multidimensional process that waxes and wanes through time. “How much time?” that’s what I want to know.
I don’t recall at what point I quit counting the day, weeks, or months since my husband’s death. One day I realized that the 21st had slipped past without me falling deeper into my grief as I normally would each month. The thing that I miss about my monthly exacerbation of grief is the predictability of my falling apart. Although I am still able to cross off another month survived, there is no longer any roadmap to the path. This whole idea of a multi-dimensional (emotional, mental, health, spiritual, etc.) process that has ups and downs without any linear path is pretty unsettling.
I am trying to conquer the many dimensions of grief and mourning that manifest as depression, scattered thoughts, despair, anorexia, insomnia, and ill faith. It takes a lot of effort to do this and there are times when I wonder if it is worth it. Then I look at my sons and realize that if I gave up, they might too. I can’t let that happen.