The morning was somewhat dedicated to my birthday celebration – well, an hour was anyways. In spite of my taking my expectations down a notch from prior years, in addition to some well meaning emails, calls, and gifts, the day has fallen short of what I would call a “celebration.”
I don’t know what I was expecting and I wonder if I had any chance of today being “happy” in the first place. It seems that no matter what anyone does, the voice in my head destroys all enjoyment with a critical judgment.
My special breakfast was an infusion of cholesterol and grease. It was the breakfast that Tom would have wanted, but not what I wanted.
My birthday gifts were wonderful gestures. I received a digital frame and an radio/iPod speaker and alarm clock. The voice in my head has passed criticism on these too. Not only does it not match my room, but I have an alarm clock, and also a speaker system for my iPod. As for the frame, it has to be plugged in.
Honestly, these gifts are great and I should be happy. BoBo was so sure that I’d be thrilled with it. I am disappointed that I am not. I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy them for what they are – gifts. I wonder if I can appreciate anything.
The kids were too noisy and so I let BoBo go out when he asked. Of course he was in no hurry to return. Now I feel unimportant as he keeps coming up with excuses for why I can’t pick him up. His new skateboard is in somebody else’s car but they aren’t where the car is right now. I’m lucky that I can even reach him by phone and he thinks I’m “gay” for “freaking out” all of the time.