Keeping Pace

Keeping Pace

Archives for April 2007

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I set the treadmill speed to the slower end of the pace that I was targetting for today’s run. Then, I just let my feet keep pace with the moving belt. I could hear the pattern of my steps. Thump, thump, thump, thump…

There wasn’t anything special about it. Is there *ever* anything exciting that happens while running on the ‘mill? Most often, the answer is NO, but there *was* something different about today’s run. I was content; that was different for me. I wasn’t wishing that I was outside, impatient that I wasn’t going anywhere, or wishing that I was nearly done. I was just running along and happy to stay at with the plan that I had set out to do.

Even more comforting, I was happy to just be any other person running on the treadmill at lunch. There was nobody there watching me and trying to figure out if they should come over to ask how I was. It was a nice change.

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What a pain.

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When my husband died, I got a little comfort in the coming of my first menstral period. It was a relief to know that I would only be raising BoBo and YaYa without him. I wasn’t worried, but 99.9% isn’t a guarantee you know. Now, 1 month later, the arrival of period does not bring as much comfort. Instead, it brings pain.

Since yesterday, my back has been aching and my stomach has been cramping. What a pain. My only reprleve was during today’s run.

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Rude Awakenings

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The challenge was to take a picture of ourself upon awakening. I believe the idea was that no sprucing up was allowed – no hair or teeth brushing, no coffee, no make-up, nothing to change your appearance.

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It sounded easy enough yesterday, when I first read about it on Runner Susan’s blog. Last night, I put my camera on my dresser, next to my bed, so that I would not forget. During the wee hours of the morning, I proceeded to wake up several times.

I took pictures a couple of times during these awakenings in case I wasn’t able to return to sleep. But after that rude shock from the flash, there was nothing more to do but close my eyes again. By daylight, I figured that I was truly awake for the day.

I was awake. But, again, I did not want to get up. I took my picture and lay there listening to the rain drops falling. My running clothes were ready and waiting for me on the floor beside my dresser. But, I wasn’t happy about going out alone, in the RAIN, for a 14 mile run…. at least not yet.

Back to the “Rise and Shine” challenge: Although the sun was finally shining (somewhat), I wasn’t exactly rising. I wondered, was this cheating? Was it cheating to have little YaYa in the photo – sleeping there as sweetly as he does? So, I took another picture of myself after I sat up just to be sure that I was playing the game right.

I looked at the photo and gave it the confirmatory nod. This *is* what I look like when I wake up. No frills. No make-up (not that there ever is), teeth or hair brushing, or coffee. It’s just me and my morning thoughts.
What a rude awakening!

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Naked

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For each of us, there are the things that help to make us feel safe and secure. For some, it may be the make up which they apply to help them feel the beauty that is already there. For others, it might be the seatbelt that without they are unable to pull out of the parking spot.

I understand the seatbelt more than the first scenario. As an ex-ICU nurse, I have attempted to transfer the need for the seatbelt to my children. It won’t be long before BoBo is driving and it is my hope that he will feel naked without being securely strapped in.

But, today, my safety and security is distant for another reason. My ring finger has been stripped of the ring that has resided there form 16 years. As I move about, I feel it’s absence intensely as I have been staring at my wedding ring more often in the past few weeks. The solution is not as easy as it might seem.

On Wednesday, which was a scheduled non-running day, I filled my lunch break with a long overdue trip to the jeweler. My intense admiration for my ring made me want to have it cleaned and the setting checked. It wasn’t so surprising that the gold, holding the diamonds, had worn down to a compromising point. I vaguely remember being told that it was wearing down during my last trip to the store.

I stood there, on the verge of tears, telling the nice lady that my husband had just died and that I couldn’t possibly leave the ring with her for any period of time. She, trying to understand, told me to just be careful not to bang it a lot. I left with my ring in place just as the tears began to stream down my cheeks.

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Survival of the work-week

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I am proud to report that I survived my first week back to work since Tom’s death. It was a strange work-week, where I felt like I wasn’t really accomplishing much of anything at all. My greatest moments were when someone asked me if I knew how to fix some formatting issue on MS Word or Excel. It’s not much but it is something. My colleagues were appreciative of having an fix for their issue.

The other accomplishment for the week was keeping up with my marathon training. Although my running has proved to be my sanity keeper, making time for running was a little more of a challenge than the actual workouts themselves. Interesting enough, my runs were similar to the energy level of my day.

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