I’m exhausted.  It’s amazing how tiring it is to sit in one spot for eight hours.  More of the same tomorrow.

While riding beside Miss Sophie, my (soon to be 3-years-old) niece, I kept busy with a newly acquired Happy Meal Toy. The little plastic replica of Mooseblood, the funny mosquito in Pixar’s newest movie, had a job to do.

“What does he say?”
“I am a blood-sucking mosquito!”

I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth. It *was* what Mooseblood had said when he was called to represent the cow (as a lawyer) at the end of the Bee Movie. Still, I wondered whether Lil’ Sis was cringing, because you *know* that something like this will be repeated over and over and over. I tried to distract her from the words by making sucking sounds (more smoochy kiss sounds) and held Mooseblood’s bent stinger to her leg. She loved it.

“Suck me again,” she demanded.
Great, I though, I just made it worse.

Mooseblood faked a tummy ache, but Miss Sophie wasn’t having anything of it. So the blood-sucking mosquito kept busy the whole 2-hour drive.

Now, 3 days later, I am assigned the “blood-sucking lawyer” role in a Crisis Management role-play exercise. Ugh, the lawyer – why me? Our group was segregated to the 6th floor to discuss the Case.

Equipped with a member assignments from Regulatory Affairs, Marketing, Clinical Development, and Legal Affairs, the group reviewed the various papers that we were given about the Case. Of course the incomplete information led to more questions than answers.

To add to my discomfort, my assignment as the Legal Affairs representative was to stand behind my conviction that the pretend drug’s labeling (package insert) was “as good as it can get.” That was what the paper said that I was to do. It was easy to stick to it as I didn’t have any legal background to present any other alternative.

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“…density of the granularity…”

Huh?
What did he just say?

It’s been a day of more acronym soup – this time, however, the same acronyms mean something completely different than what they meant in my previous role.

*sigh*
Just when I thought I knew something.

I was already well past information overload, when the discussion of medDRA, data mining, and SMQs began. Aside from the fact that I couldn’t see past the instructor to visual the slides, my brain was mush. I didn’t bother to ask him to move. I felt too much like Charlie Brown trying to make sense of “waah wah wah, wah wah wah waah.” I was doing a poor job.

Don’t get me wrong; this course is good. I am learning a lot. I just hope that I can absorb the knowledge before it goes out the other ear. There really is so many facts to know. What is worse, is the fact that today was just the overview. Tomorrow, we will delve into the nitty gritty of Global Pharmacovigilance.

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This morning I put the Lucky dog outside and kissed him on the nose as he huddled inside of his igloo. Then the family backed out of the driveway into the darkness of the early morning. A light rain mixing with the light from the cars blurred my vision of the road slightly. I had to reach for the glasses that I wear for night driving.

After dropping the last child off at school, I continued my trek to work. There now was daylight to light the way, but it was still gloomy. I thought of my friend Lisa, who moved from California to Washington only to discover that she suffers from season affective disorder (SAD).

Then I thought of Tom…
Tom’s depression was certainly more exaggerated in the winter. But there were more reasons for his sadness besides the weather. He had experienced so many losses in winters past. He had so much pain and suffering that was uprooted each winter. I had wanted to help him, but was at a loss for how to do this. This winter, I hope that he has found peace.

I was half way to work when I became aware of the dull ache in my heart. As I watched my windshield wipers move across the window, I wondered if I would be destined to suffer the same sadness as Tom. I sure hope not. I long for the day when I realize that my days are generally happy again. I want my children have achieve the same happiness. I am okay with this winter being gloomy but, come spring, I want my life to bloom again – even if only a single bloom.

As I neared the freeway exit, I thought of my new job. Tom was always so negative about my career move to the pharmaceutical industry. He liked that I wasn’t an intensive care “stress case” (always bringing the intensity of the hospital home with me). He also liked that I was home in the evenings, weekends and holidays. He liked the salary that it brought too. He did NOT like what his perception of “drug companies” told him. It told him that I sold out when I left nursing.

I have to admit that in the last year, I was not real excited about what I was doing. My nursing knowledge was fading away from lack of use and I was bored. I’d lost my drive.

Now, I am learning again and my medical knowledge is being re-awakened. Although I am still working in pharma, I know that Tom would be proud of my latest career move. And *that* makes me happy.