Before running CIM (2007), Coach Jeff thought it good that I was so relaxed. It was, I suppose, because when the foot pain caused me to slow the point of wanting to DNF — thus missing yet another BQ — I was not devastated. By then I had come to learn how insignificant achieving Boston Qualification (BQ) was in comparison to all that 2007 had dished out. However, 2007 was three (nearly four) years ago. I’ve made further attempts and have experienced many more failures.

Today, as I feel relaxed with intermittent bursts of frenzied worry, I wonder if I’ve gotten used to just running the marathon rather than racing it. I listen to Jeff as he tells me “remember, your racing this. you’re not running it…” and I wonder if that part of me died with my husband or if it can still be accessed.

Last night I was asked “Why haven’t you qualified after 16 marathons?” I had no answer. Honestly, do we ever know the why of anything? Why did I get blazing hot temperatures at Chicago 2007? Why did I have stomach issues, a foot injury… why didn’t the stars align?

I think back to those days: crying in later miles when I found myself unable to keep pace, my body moving slower and slower with each passing mile. How well I’d run to that point no longer mattered. My BQ was lost and I was devastated. The failure consumed me for the several days that followed. As I remember, it starts to consume me once more.

I fall into this sea of failed BQ attempt and start to drown in it. And while I do believe that a little analysis of prior failures is fine, it’s only okay to willingly go down into the sea pain if you pull yourself back up.

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I’m currently working on creating a playlist for race day. For those of you who run with music, you know how powerful the right music and, similarly, or how feeble the wrong music can be. So after noting how my power-songs have lost their oomph, I put out the call (via FB) asking for suggestions.

My plea yielded a good helping of songs yet, although many great songs were suggested, very few made the cut. I’ve always know it, but I guess I’ve never acknowledged just how personal my racing playlist is to me. I’ve got 2 ½ hours of motivating music so far – most of which were in myTunes already. It’s an eclectic collection of all sorts.

I’m looking for a few (or so) more songs to enhance it — something special – which I just can’t seem to articulate. This is because my want/need remains intangible or undefined. I just know that I will know it when I hear it.

So with that I ask you my dear peeps, what ONE song fires you up — either before or during your BIG event? Don’t give me a long list. Just give me your ONE power-song.

I’m secretly thrilled about the weather predicted for Sunday morning. I mean, seriously, how could my marathon training be complete without a long run in the rain. It’s Portland you know. And you know how I like to do a dress-rehearsal.

I remember thinking that the only way I could have prepared for Chicago (2007) and Grandma’s (2006) heat and humidity would be to run on a treadmill in a sauna. This is not exactly something my gym would agree to. But if it’s going to rain a little in California in September, I’m thrilled. In the name of marathon training that is. I love sun and generally hate gloomy skies and rain.

Now, if the weather Gods could just work with me, I have another request. Please stop the rain when my run is complete… because I have a music event which is in an outdoor venue on Sunday afternoon. And I don’t think it would quite as fun in the rain. After all, we aren’t going to watch to “Gene Kelly” reenacting “Singing in the Rain.”