Sometimes I feel a lot like this leaf, hanging onto its last connection to the tree.
Into Introspection
Sometimes I feel like a lone butterfly arm’s reach away from its kaleidoscope. The season seems to call for a bit of solitude which helps me to reflect on the year as it comes to an end.
This time of introspection used to come with a bit of judgement. I feared that it was wrong in some way and with that fear came loneliness. But when I allow room to just be alone in neutrality, it isn’t bad at all.
In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.
-Albert Camus
Lumpy Pumpkins
I’m not particularly fond of this time of year. The season marks the beginning of an onslaught of sadness during times that should be overflowing with joy.
Still…
a day at the beach
It’s been 10 years since Tom’s ashes were scattered here. The spot unfamiliar to me but very special to him as it was where his newborn’s ashes were scattered more than 20 years earlier. Believe it or not, this is the first time I have been back here. I just couldn’t manage to make it happen until now.
We couldn’t have asks for a lovelier day. DD just happened to be in from New York for his [birth] mom’s birthday. I cut the first rose of spring from the garden to toss out to sea as we did when we sent his ashes out. An offering, of sorts.
But the day wasn’t really about grieving. It fell into a day of just being us. We found a quiet spot off to the side near the overpass and threw the ball into water for the dog for a while. Then the boys played a game of baseball and mocked each other as brothers do.
And right before we left, we walked over to the ocean where I tossed the rose in and watched it get taken away. Today, unlike 10 years ago, the rose only had to be tossed once before it was off on it’s journey. I was a little sad to see it go so easily, but after a bit, I felt a teeny bit of peacefulness fill a little bit more of the empty space that was left in my heart the day he died.
This is us
Over the past couple of months, I’ve gotten hooked on a television show called This is Us. Described as “…a smart, modern drama that will challenge your everyday presumptions about the people you think you know”, I find the series intriguing for my own reasons. Besides the fact that it is just well done, the one thing that is unique in this show is that it shares the profound emotion of grief in a very in-your-face sort of way. Getting the viewers attached to the characters, then breaking the viewers hearts slowly and methodically as the season progresses — unveiling how long-lasting their pain from the long-past death is in spite of efforts to “get over it”, “bury it”, or just “move on”. Although I am sure that everyone’s take away of the show will be different, and that most will view this as nothing more than fiction (far from how one’s grief journey is in reality), it’s a starting point for a very important message. Moreover, it’s brilliantly done.
TheMAN and I began watching the show together but, as YaYa and I became hooked, we proceeded through the season without him. He began watching with his son at his house, while YaYa and I watched at ours. I was a bit relieved that it ended up this way for it allowed the show to pick away the scabs of my own experience — opening the way to heal some more of the stuff I had yet to work through.
The three main characters, referred to as the “Big Three” in the show appear to each have their own distinct version of stuck-ness (and sweet remembrance) from the death of their father, not to mention their unique upbringing. Similarly, I continue to observe the unique manifestation of pain in each of my sons as we hit the 10 year anniversary of Tom’s death. [Read more…]