Keeping Pace

Keeping Pace

Step Back Week

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Sometimes you have to step away from the routine and just be. Just letting yourself be is not an easy task; the tendency to judge and try to change who we are and how we are experiencing the here and now is strong. We have perfect ideals of who we should be. Often times these ideals aren’t even our own but some external expectation.

When it comes to the process of grieving — MY process and progress of grieving that is — I find that people do not grasp how long the healing actually takes. To be fair, I don’t even know myself. The inability to concentrate on my tasks, or the lack of bandwidth for other peoples “stuff” is frustrating. I’ve been struggling with intermittent bouts of this frustration since mid-February. On Friday of last week, I finally gave in. I pulling up the old posts and validated the pain I’d been experiencing.

I cannot begin to explain all of the injustices and things that went so far out of control in the final weeks of Tom’s life. Words cannot describe the anger and hurt from all that went wrong — which should not have. The lies. The abandonment. The robbery of dignity. And so, so, so much more… none if which I want to talk about.

Suffice to say that I have a lot more healing and understanding to take hold of. It is not all about the love of my life dying. I have found new love. He is wonderful. It is so much more than that.

Anyway, this week, I wanted to just be, without having to meet some arbitrary deadline that would change after I busted my arse adhering to it. I didn’t want to hear the incessant complaining about problems that might happen.

So I took the week off.

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reason to smile

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I remember when running was easy and fun. Okay, maybe not so easy at mile 17+ but the shorter runs were a breeze. At least that’s how I remember it now.

To think that it’s been 7 years since I quit running boggles my mind. When I lace up my shoes, and pull my hair back into a ponytail, it feels natural — like I never gave it up. But once I begin the run, I feel the difference. It’s not free and easy; it’s downright HARD.

When come around the corner to see the deer feeding in the open field, or watch the cotton-tailed rabbits hopping into the nearby bush, I sometimes stop and take it in. Sure, it’s an excuse to stop. But it’s also reason to smile.

It’s cool knowing that I would not see these things if I wasn’t running past at that moment. And when I resume my run, I’m feeling just a little better — although it is still not at all comfortable. 

Good Ol’ Saint Patty

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I don’t need an excuse to wear green; it’s my favorite color. As such, Saint Patrick’s Day has never been a big deal to me. For others, however, it is a BIG deal.

When my niece decided to come to our home for a weekend getaway, I was thrilled to have her. She arrived Friday and left today.

During her stay, I took her to a vinyasa yoga class together and she kicked my butt in the gym. She’s majoring in kinesthesiology, so she knows a thing or two about working out. It was tons of fun and we are both a little sore (her from yoga and me from the circuit training).

In addition, theMAN and I joined her and BoBo for a few hours of St. Patty’s Day Shenanigans (aka dinner and Guinness). And since they chose to hang out at the restaurant/bar where YaYa works, we got to spend a bit of time with him as well.

Life has been busy lately; it seems like we hardly see each other for more than a few minutes at a time. And this time of year is when we need each other the most.

My niece’s visit was a nice excuse to spend that much-needed time together.

 

the road ahead

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Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday that I had 6 months to get Spartan fit. Today, I look at the calendar to find my race 3 months away. Technically, race day is < 3 months away! And me… well I’m no where near ready for a race that involves 8-10 miles of running and 25+ obstacles there to test my strength and agility.

It’s time to get serious!

Not only do I need to build more strength, I also need to get down and dirty, squat, crawl, jump, carry weight, pull weighted objects, and muscle my way into my version of race-ready. Whatever that means.

It is certain that the road ahead will be interesting. Most definitely, it will be an uphill battle complete with many struggles mental and physical.

As scary as this seems (to me), there is a part of me that is also a little excited about it. It’s been a long time since I have been driven like this. Seven and a half years to be exact. Yes, I am excited. I am still scared as well.

Fortunately, there will be little moments, or creatures, along the way that offer me reason to smile. Hopefully, these moments will be more frequent than the moments that make me want to cry from frustration.

My goal is not to complete a stellar race. I have only the goal of completing the race relatively unscathed. My goal is HUGE, but I think it can do it.

Over the next 3 months, I need to change the “think” in I think I can to “know”. I hope that you all will cheer me along, [virtually] from where ever you are. I need all the support I can get.

 

out of darkness

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The alarm sounds. I peek my head out from under the covers. My world is, as I’d feared, cold and dark.

Like a turtle retracting it’s head, I retreat to the warmth beneath the covers… if only for a few more precious moments.

The sun seems to be playing this same game. Each day it comes out from the darkness a little later than the previous. On some days, I emerge a little before it. Other days, we come out of the darkness together.

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