Sometimes you have to step away from the routine and just be. Just letting yourself be is not an easy task; the tendency to judge and try to change who we are and how we are experiencing the here and now is strong. We have perfect ideals of who we should be. Often times these ideals aren’t even our own but some external expectation.
When it comes to the process of grieving — MY process and progress of grieving that is — I find that people do not grasp how long the healing actually takes. To be fair, I don’t even know myself. The inability to concentrate on my tasks, or the lack of bandwidth for other peoples “stuff” is frustrating. I’ve been struggling with intermittent bouts of this frustration since mid-February. On Friday of last week, I finally gave in. I pulling up the old posts and validated the pain I’d been experiencing.
I cannot begin to explain all of the injustices and things that went so far out of control in the final weeks of Tom’s life. Words cannot describe the anger and hurt from all that went wrong — which should not have. The lies. The abandonment. The robbery of dignity. And so, so, so much more… none if which I want to talk about.
Suffice to say that I have a lot more healing and understanding to take hold of. It is not all about the love of my life dying. I have found new love. He is wonderful. It is so much more than that.
Anyway, this week, I wanted to just be, without having to meet some arbitrary deadline that would change after I busted my arse adhering to it. I didn’t want to hear the incessant complaining about problems that might happen.
So I took the week off.