“perfectly normal”

The private affair that was our wedding has lent itself to an equally private anniversary. Nobody was at the wedding, therefore nobody remembers the anniversary — but me. Like any other key date, the days leading up to the actual day are often harder than the day itself. Perhaps it is the anticipation. After the fall of 2009, I tend to expect the worse and hope for the best.

I caught myself planning for a bad day. I considered calling in sick and huddling under the covers for the majority of the day. It’s funny that I would think that I would need that. Those days are long gone — thank God.

In essence, all I really needed today was a little space and a lot of kindness…and maybe a run. While I did bump up against a backup of cars, and shed a few tears over pulled muscles, I did make it to work. As for the day, I got what I needed. Although I could have done without the pulled calf muscle. From waking up on the right side of the bed to finally having dinner with a friend who went from acquaintance to friend following Tom’s death, the day was pretty alright. My friend lost her husband 15 years ago and has shared a lot of her wisdom on what’s “perfectly normal” feelings for widows like us. We’ve been trying for years to get together but have not managed it until now.

On this day — my would-be-wedding-anniversary — the thoughts and feelings were less about my marriage and more about the kids: the way we support them in their varied coping styles, feel from them when we see the effects of growing up without a dad, and how we notice the carried-on parts of their father which either gives them strength or cripples them in some way. Of course we talked about cut-off social security benefits, denied financial aid, and the ongoing struggles to making ends meet. And while you might think that this discussion would sadden my day, it did quite the opposite. It inspired me, reinforced all that I am doing right, and that I am “perfectly normal” — for a widow.